my father's eyes!

He is GOD of ALL!

2011-01-18T09:18:00.000-06:00

The Last day in Haiti.. The team went up the mountain and had the chance to see the city from a different view.

I could not get this song out of my mind as I stood there and looked down…

You're the God of this City, You're the King of these people You're the Lord of this nation, You are! You're the Light in this darkness! You're the Hope to the hopeless! You're the Peace to the restless! You are!   

There is no one like our God !!! There is no one like our God !!!

For greater things have yet to come.  And greater things are still to be done in this City.  Greater thing have yet to come  And greater things are still to be done in this City.

…And greater things are still to be done in this City,  Greater things have yet to come  And greater things are still to be done here!!!!

Before coming to Haiti for some reason I thought of it as a very spiritually oppressed place. I thought I would see even more helplessness, more sin, more evil. I had heard the history of how years ago Haiti was dedicated to Satan (although I know that it was recently rededicated to Christ). What I thought I would see was totally not what was there….

I really did see Jesus in Haiti. I saw him in the eyes of each of the children we touched.

I saw people seeking after him as we drove by the packed out churches as sounds of worship leaked out of the cracked walls.

Written on doors....

On their homes...

Above the doorways of their schools...

I saw him alive and at work in the missionaries we met,

definitely in “Healing Haiti” ministries...

and the incredible staff they have working with them …

I saw God at work in my incredible team members...

As we got to be His hands and feet to the YOUNG and the OLD.....

AND I felt his mighty hand working inside me … leading me, teaching me and molding me just a little more into who He wants me to be. He is the GOD of that City and the King of those people He is the only LIGHT that will pierce through the darkest of times. …. I know there is so much more to be done there … BUT I have complete confidence He is at work in a mighty way.

With that said, I also think we can find Jesus everywhere we go…. If we are seeking after him, If we prepare our hearts and minds and want God to work in us and through us. While God used Haiti to show me so many things… I know that the same God is at work here today as well. We do not “HAVE TO” go to Haiti to be his hands and his feet.. to feel or see His presence at work.. to be molded into the person that He wants us to be… BEING ABLE TO GO TO HAITI AND TO BE USED IN SUCH A WAY is a privilege, and honor… one that I humbly hope I will be able to do again sometime soon.

Preparing for HOME!

2011-01-15T09:08:00.001-06:00

Ok so I know I have some catching up to do on this blog and hopefully I will find sometime go back and finish up soon. It is not that I have not been trying to process some of my thoughts it is just that I seem to hit some road blocks along the way … Not bad ones but just can’t seem to get it on paper (or computer screen) right away.

But for now… I am starting to prepare my heart to return back home. God has a crazy way of ripping your heart out on a mission trips and molding it to be the way that He wants it to be. It is an incredible time to really reflect on GOD and His plan… not ours. I have thought a lot about submission on this trip. Submitting to God’s plans even when they don’t always match with ours.

Ok, I have to go back and tell you about the day we met Jude JohnPaul. He is a young 17-year-old boy who at the age of 5 started having seizures. His mother showed us his school pictures when he was a normal active young boy running around and playing like everyone else. The problem was when the seizures started they had no medication for him to control them like they would in the U.S. They became so severe that Jude John-Paul must of sustained brain damage at some point and for the last 12 years he has been bed ridden, his mind and body both completely affected.

As we laid hands on him and prayed for him I was overcome with emotions (YES, AGAIN!! ; ) ) So many things were running through my mind all at once and still do when I even try to process that moment. I guess the bottom line for me is that of submission. I will never have all the answers to the questions before us. I do not completely understand why God allows Jude JohnPaul to remain like this for so long.

Verses flood my mind like…

…“Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustardseed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

(in which I know 100% that God could heal Jude JohnPaul if he wanted to, is my faith really so little)

“…You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” James 4:2-3

(LORD, We ask for this that your Glory be Reviled!)

Yet, I feel Jude JohnPaul is another example of us learning to submit to God. learning to trust that His ways are better than my ways even though we don’t always understand. For those of you who know me well and have read my other blogs know this is a repetitive subject for me.WHAT IS GOD TRYING TO TELL ME?

For now I will just …

“Keep on asking and it will be given to you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep onknocking and the door will be opened to you

For everyone who keeps on asking receives; the one who keeps on seeking finds; and to the one who keeps on knocking, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:6-8

Kerry Ann is reading the Seeing God – by David Roper. I was looking through it and just need to share with you a part of it that hit me as I am preparing to go home.

“Everyone thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself” – Tolstoy. From the beginning of the trip Jeff has repeatedly said.. maybe this whole thing is more about US and our HEART then the people we are here to help. …

The book goes on to say …

“I can talk about compassion for others and yet be utterly tactless and inconsiderate to my own family. In which case, what I am at home is what I am.Or I can think myself reasoned and self-controlled, but what I do and say when angry and unobserved gives me away. My character is what I am when I am alone.

…. There’s old Adam within, with vast potential for greed and selfishness. I know I can’t change him much. Frontal attack has never worked for me. As soon as I resist sin, I endow it with more power. This same power it usese against me.Inner transformation, thus is God’s work. As Mother teresa put it, we may will holiness, but He must do it.

What I need is more of God in me. He must work His work. Righteousness is His gift, which I may receive, David’s prayer in Psalm 19:12-14 becomes my own.”

Psalm 19:12-14

But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me.  Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression.

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

I am making this my prayer…. praying that God continues to make me and mold me (no matter how painful it is at times) into exactly who he wants me to be.

Guillaume’s Orphanage -JAN 13TH

2011-01-13T23:06:00.000-06:00

Another stop we went today was one of Healing Haiti’s orphanages they sponsor. As we arrived the kids were in a big circle…

...wonder how long they were waiting. We pulled up and they all started to greet us singing with the most beautiful voices. You could tell they were so excited to see Jeff. They continued to sing songs of worship and praise. If you ever wonder what true SONGS OF WORSHIP was suppose to look like it was what I saw and heard today coming out of the mouths of babes. AMAZING!

Thanks to Noelle’s creative mind we came up with a craft to do with the kids. We thought it was pretty simple, paint a rock, put a couple eyes on them, a dab a glue on the top and plop the little fake hair we brought. It started out pretty good..

but then one thing led to another…

(tracing with chalk)

another and ….

and another….

as the fake hair was glued on their own faces.

(they are just posing like they are tough… such sweeties)

We had so much fun playing with them. Jeff and Fan Fan took some of the older boys and played some soccer, and keep away. I really could not tell you who was having more fun.. the boys or them. It was obvious how much the kids love them and it was obvious how much joy they bring to Jeff. AMAZING!

In the end the writings on the wall reflected the hearts of the children and it was absolutely beautiful. Their love for Jesus and their thankfulness for Jeff and Alyn.

After gathering together for more worship and prayer the kissing and hugging line formed.

We seriously have to do this at home sometime.. Maybe for my birthday!!! ;-) j/k. but it was AMAZING!!!

Really an incredible day….

The Lord is Good and His spirit is most definitely alive here in Haiti!

-AMY

We WILL NEVER FORGET - 1/13/2011

2011-01-13T11:11:00.000-06:00

Today was jammed packed -although we got a lttle slow start it did not really bother me. There is just something about all sitting around a breakfast table together starting a day with the best happy face, high five and/or abstract pancakes. A slow start yet jammed pack and by the end we all were pretty exhausted… and dirty of couse.

One of the stops we made today was the grave site of the mass grave that was created at the time of the earthquake. Yesterday was the 1 Year Anniversary of this horrific event. 232,000 people were killed that day. At least 100,000 of them buried here. There were many crosses and wreaths that were left behind to remember their loved ones.

I know Jeff spoke of being dissatisfied in the site and I understands what he was saying. Think of what great memorial we would of built in the U.S. to remember so many lives lost. I may be wrong about this – forgive me if you strongly disagree – but part of me walked over the site and all I could think of was how all these people got to heaven just a bit quicker. I know how some home how feel closer to our loved ones when we visit the site where they are buried but for some reason I find this a bit odd. While I am in no way wanting to disrespect the remembrance of such a terrific life altering/ world altering event, I just don’t know if the site of the buriel is where I would go to feel closest or even remember my loves ones. Their body or outer shell may be there but they are no longer there at all. (I pray if I were to die people do not remember my ohhh so flawed outer shell but remember my still flawed but forgiven inner being who hopefully represents me a bit better).

It just so happened that this site was just on the way to GRACE VILLAGE. As we approached you could start getting a glimpse of it sitting up on the hillside over looking the town of Titanyen.

Driving through the little town I became so over whelmed with excitement to actually be able to see the place that I have heard of for so long. We tredged up the mountainside and when we got there the first thing that I noticed was the incredible view. I did not have to even look at the structures that were on the land but just taking in the incredible view of not only the gorgeous ocean side but being able to overlook the village, shanties and people below I knew this was a place where God was going to do mighty things. As we walked the land and buildings and Jeff shared the vision that God gifted him and Alyn with I was overwhelmed with emotions. There are little fingerprints of Alyn everywhere. Jeff said one of Alyn’s wishes were to see Grace Village finished but God knew she would love the beauty of heaven just a bit more. Alyn’s memory is so much more throughout Haiti then it could ever be at any gravesite. I am so overwhelming grateful to Alyn and Jeff for being so obedient to God’s calling and for touching so many lives in return, mine, the people of Haiti and so many in the US included.

BLESSED 1-12-2011

2011-01-12T22:00:00.001-06:00

At the end of every day we gather together for a time of reflection, sharing and prayer… part of this time we go around the room and each share our WORD of the day. It can only be one word but usually it is followed up with a longer explanation which leads to some discussion amongst the group – Really a great way to get us chatting , although this group does not really seem to have too much trouble doing that.

Today my word was … ‘BLESSED.”

I feel so amazingly BLESSED to be able to be here … to have this opportunity to be able to be used by God in such a way.

Blessed by the smiles and love each and every child gave me each time I held them or played with them or even touched them. (even the ones who cried the entire time not being held).

Blessed to be able to attend the amazing memorial service I did tonight with some of the most amazingly selfless people who have given their lives and moved to Haiti to serve the people here.

Blessed by the worship tonight and..

Blessed by just how much.. HE LOVES ME!!! - yep we sang many of my favorite songs tonight but this one especially always hits me right where I need it. It is one of Jeff’s favorites too… I know this because I think we have heard him play it about 20 times … and no, not sick of it at all. Who can ever get sick of hearing just how much our heavenly father loves us!!!!

I think of the kids today that we visited at Gertrudes Orphanage. I know that they are well taken care of and their caregivers probably do love them… but no one ( But God) can love a child like their Mama and Papa. Most of the children there may go throughout their lives never experiencing that due to their physical or mental handicap.

Like Mickey…. A 17yr old boy in a wheelchair, so smiley, and spoke pretty good English even, most likely intelligent-yet so skinny, entire body frail, legs seemed immobile, but he could use his arms to get around in his wheelchair although his entire body seemed to be contorted a bit, his eyes appeared as if he could not see but I think he could to some degree. He loved when we talked to him and especially when we massaged his arms and legs with lotion. Such an amazing thing what touch can do. Mickey will never know what it is really like to be loved and cared for by a mom and dad. He will most likely never be tucked in at night, prayed over and kissed on a consistent basis. But then I think how David called God, “A father to the fatherless.” And I think how Mickey has a Heavenly father that loves him so deeply. I know that someday Mickey’s body will be restored and perfect and then he will be able to run with all his might right into those arms of His Abba , Daddy who loves him so much!

Mickey was just one the children I had the privilege of caring for today. Each and everyone of them were so special in their own way, I long to know each of their stories, to spend so much more time there with them.. loving on them the way they so deserve to be loved.

Needless to say my heart was broken today but I am ok with that. I never want to grow indifferent or blinded to what I see. I always want my heart to continue to break for what breaks God’s in every way!

I am Blessed today! I don’t think I could ever bless any of the people or children that I have met on this trip as much as they have Blessed me.

-AMY

HAITI - WHY?

2011-01-12T08:56:00.000-06:00

One cannot experience a day like today without having the question “WHY?” go through your mind at at least some point? Why them and not us? Why are we blessed with so much and they suffer so greatly? Why don’t we as a country, church, people do more to help?

Tonight we gathered as a group and pondered some of those questions together. One thought was…. Maybe it’s really not about their poverty at all. Maybe it is more about OUR hearts… OUR abundance… and this is God’s way of (for lack of better word) testing us.

Just think how time on earth is really just a twinkling of an eye compared to the eternity we get to spend in heaven with the Lord. There are a number of different places throughout the bible where it talks about “those who are last who will be first, and the first who will be last.”(Luke 13:30) Maybe these people… “The least of these” Matthew 25 are actually so much richer than us… rich in faith and rich for these are the people that may just be a little quicker, a little closer or just "the first" that is spoken of.

Mike always talks about delayed gratification… Working hard now for something better later.Some, in the US, think of retirement as their delayed gratification. But really, the biggest retirement party I can ever imagine is the one we get to celebrate in heaven.

I am totally just babbling a whole mix of thoughts that are going on in my head and heart right now but that is kind of how I am feeling at the moment… I think it may take some time to really process all that is going on.

It was brought up over Christmas in a discussion with my brother, about just how far one can go with the giving and sacrifice. Are we all to live on a shack on the side of the road and give everything we have? I don’t know the answer to this. Maybe we are not supposed to know. I think God works in everyone’s heart and lives differently and at different times…. but I do believe we all should wrestle with this question though. I do know this.. “Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their lifewill lose it, but whoever loses their life for ME will find it.” (Matt. 16:24&25)

“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.  As much as is given as much we are responsible for (Luke 12:48).” OH boy does everyone in the U.S. have a lot of responsibility. At one of the stops today I met a little bit older boy, probably a teenager of some sort. He was different then the rest.. he spoke incredible English that he said he taught himself and he said he could read and write also. He was dressed nicer than those around him and he said he has worked from time to time helping at the Cholera treatment center. I told him that God has blessed him greatly with such a gift and that with that gift I pray that he continues to use it to help others and for God’s glory. Oh and he agreed and said he thanks God very much for giving him the abilities he has. My words stung as soon as they came out of my mouth though. How many gifts has He blessed me with? Am I using them all for His glory? Who was I to be saying that to this young man?

Amy Lindahl

Healing Haiti Team Member

January 2010

Here we are .... send us!!!!

2011-01-11T15:57:00.002-06:00

SUNDAY, JANUARY 9, 2011

HERE WE ARE ... SEND US!!!!!

Whew... What a whirlwind this week has been! At this time last week none of us knew what an adventure God was planning for us. We are so sad for the tragic loss the team that was planning on going has experienced thus causing them to have to reschedule but also feel so blessed for the opportunity that has come to us.

One week ago today I sat next to Julie Sexson at Rockpoint church (even that was not a coincidence). After service we stood there for sometime sharing our heart for Haiti and I expressing how I was not sure when an opportunity would come for me to be able to visit. I mentioned how I felt like maybe I could find some way to be involved locally but really not sure what that would be.

Monday morning I woke up ... still thinking of Haiti and I wrote the Mission Team sharing my heart a bit then that night Mike told me that some guys from his Bible Study were getting together for Appetizers. I was asleep by the time he was home but the next day he called me from work and told me that Jeff was there and mentioned how he was not sure how he felt about going to Haiti alone the first time since he has lost his incredible partner, and wife Alyn. Mike asked if I would want to go. I whole-heartedly said YES but at that time I honestly never thought it was at all possible to pull everything together in such a short period. Guess the verse “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matt 19:26) slipped my mind at the time. .. oh God must have been laughing.

One phone call to my mom and the reality of the trip actually happening started to sink in.There is no one I would feel more comfortable with or who would be as capable to come live at the house and love on my family for the week, but I still needed to find someone who was as crazy as me to drop everything and fly to Haiti with less than a weeks notice.Little did I know God had been working in the heart of my dear friend, Mary Ericksen, long before the actual invite came. I first called Becky Nelson, who could not go herself but then said, “I know who wants to go. We just have to call and let her know she wants to.”Becky immediately hung up the phone and called her…. I am sure Mary will share what was going on in her heart at the time… bottom line is, she said YES!

We met with Jeff for lunch on Friday. Saturday our tickets were purchased and we are leaving bright and early Monday morning for Haiti!

OH wait, there is more… I sent a text out to a few of my family members saying I was going on the trip and wondering if there was anyone who wanted to go with me. My niece Alana texted back within seconds …. YES, PLEASE!!!! Alana is the sweetest girl and I know God is going to break her heart on this trip for what breaks His. She is on her winter break right now and it was the perfect timing for her.

Now reading this you would think we were nuts…. going without preparation and thought, the 3 of us headed to Haiti with Jeff, but I have to share with you… I truly believe God has been preparing each of us for this trip for sometime now…. Which is a huge lesson in itself!!! How so many times we have no clue what God is doing …. Is He there? Active?But HE always is… He knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11)(EVEN IF HE DOES NOT TELL US TILL THE WEEK OF) . Can’t wait for Mary to share all that has been going on in her life lately and what she has been studying. God knows what we need just when we need it. Are you ready? It may not always be a call to jump on a plane and fly to Haiti but man, I love it when He makes something like this happen when we are willing and obedient to say YES GOD!

There is a blog that I read not so long ago that I just love and would like to share…..

http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/2010/12/nets.html

So now we are “AT ONCE” throwing down our nets and going…. SO excited to put the next foot in front of the other and see what God has planned for us…. How He will use us, and what is He going to do with our hearts on this trip.

Thank you Lord, Thank you Mike, and Mom, and to all my children who are willing to sacrifice their comfort a bit and give up their mom for a week.

THE LORD IS GOOD!!!

-AMY

Dissonance... or NOT??? CHRISTMAS '10

2010-12-18T16:14:00.020-06:00

Definition of DISSONANCE 1a : lack of agreement; especially : inconsistency between the beliefs one holds or between one's actions and one's beliefs — compare cognitive dissonance

I know I have not written for a while. Not sure how many people will still read this. To be honest as much as I want to share with others what is on my heart this is a place mostly for me to process my thought and feelings. This one is probably going to be one of the more personal and vulnerable blogs I have shared.

Obviously life has been so busy around here. I have not had the time nor energy to write or think most days. Things are going quite well and we are very blessed. Hopefully I will find time soon to share more about all of that. For now though, this is much more important I feel. What? More important than “caring for the fatherless”? YES!!! I do believe it is.

This time of year I find myself in such a dissonance.. more thanever ! Sometimes I wish I could just shut my feelings off, stop being such a deep thinker, analyzing things so much. I wish I could just lollygag thru life in oblivious blissfulness but my mind and heart won’t let me go there. Maybe this year more than ever because of all we have been through the last few months. Maybe it is because my eyes have seen and heart has been more open to the world beyond us. Do I want to live in “depraved indifference”? YES .. kind of .. a little.. to be honest! But then again…“Once our eyes are opened, we can’t pretend we don’t know. God who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know and holds us responsible to act.” Proverbs 24:12

Here is what I am talking about and where the DISSONANCE comes into play.

I have always LOVED CHRISTMAS! I love this time of year! My sister and I were just talking about what an incredible childhood we had. Seriously, I still believe we had/have one of the best celebrations around as a family. We start out, as soon as we enter the house (my childhood home now where my brother and his family live) we all go to our rooms where the red plaid pjs are laid out for us. The entire time we are together as a family we are wearing these matching pajamas. A tradition started years ago when I was young. We even have a few extra for any visitors that may join us.

There is always so much to eat but everyone really loves just being together more than anything. As the evening comes we gather in the living room and gifts are exchanged. Here is where my father always went overboard (ohhhh in an incredible way! ) He loved to give. Have to admit getting those big surprises and gifts were always so fun. After a bit, someone would say “how about we start to sing Christmas carols” followed by a wink to all in-tuned. Hilgenbergs are not known for their musical talents but for some reason it makes it all the more fun. Eventually it would come.. the sounds of the bells are heard and the air tenses with excitement as we hear the HO HO HO and Santa makes the special visit first to our house before starting the rest of his travels. Santa calls each of the kids by name and gives them one gift each as they sit on his lap for the photo shoot. He sings one carol with us, gives a strict warning to the little ones to go to bed right when the parents tell them to and off they go. Now this next part may sound so absurd but I think it is one of the favorites of all. When Santa leaves all the kids rush to the windows. Dad was the initiator when he was with us but the older grandkids seem to fill his footsteps quit well. They watch so intently for it to happen .. they wait .. wait… and then one of the older ones start out.. “THERE IT IS!!! THERE HE GOES!!! I SEE IT” It is a pandemonium uproar of either “I see it .. I see it.” Or tears of “Where ? I didn’t see it again?” As they look for Rudolf’s nose as Santa flys away.

The rest of the evening is spent tucking all the kids in to there slumber party sleeping arrangements and putting a Christmas movie of some sort on for them as the adults stay up late eating, talking and hopefully getting some type of board game in.

Christmas morning it does not slow down. As the kids gather on the step for our morning picture…

One child is chosen (usually the oldest) to come down announce “Christmas 2010.” For all the video cameras running and the rest of the kids follow running to their designated family areas where they find their Christmas surprises. Just when things calm down and the kids have opened their presents and shared with each of the cousins what they got the announcement for “STOCKINGS” comes… The kids all line up and head downstairs where they find that their matching stockings (Yes – all the same as the ones we had as a child growing up) have been filled with candy and extra little fun miscellaneous gifts.

Oh wait there is more… As this whole morning is going on there is a smell of “Christmas” throughout the air. Every Christmas morning that I can ever remember we have the same breakfast. It is a German tradition that my grandma always made for us… Gritwurst. IT is kind of like a flat spiced sausage patty ???? I don’t know how to explain it other than it is the BEST! After stockings we all run up to the kitchen and literally stand in line for Gritwurst. It is Noelle’s own self proclaimed tradition, which somehow she started when she was so little, and we for some reason follow, that she gets to be first in line every year.

Finally before the festivities are our over we take time to dress each of the grandchildren up and act out the Nativity story. My dad would always read the nativity story from a book ( the role now passed dow to my brother ) as each child would do their part in being the best, shepherd, angel, mary, joseph or baby Jesus each year. Then we would end in once again singing Away in the Manger together.

Every year it is the same and every year I go away feeling so blessed and loving the time together. By now most of you are wondering what the problem is… sounds like the ideal Christmas. Truly this is my struggle. I think so myself. But this is the dissonace that comes into play ( actually I don’t even know if that is the right word for what I am dealing with.)

You see… I BELIEVE 100% that Christmas is a Celebration of Christs Birth. The most amazing sacrificial gift ever given to anyone. YET… I am not sure my actions reflect those beliefs all the time. I sometimes wish we could celebrate the Birth of Christ and Christmas on two different days. A quote I recently read regarding the true meaning of Christmas was …

“Ha...how many Christians do you know that actually celebrate Christmas because of Jesus? I think the majority of Christians celebrate Christmas by getting each other presents and eating, not by celebrating Lord and Savior. Christmas has become a holiday devoted to family, not Jesus. It's marketed very heavily in retail. That's why everyone celebrates it.”

Now looking back on the events of our Christmas I just wrote about how much exactly is Celebrating Jesus’ Birth vs. celebrating family, and gifts and just being together. Think about all the “Christmas Parties” we go to each year. How many of those parties do you really talk about The Lord, His birth and the sacrifices he made for us. Are the party’s really about Him at all?

Now I know a lot of the rationale that come along with these thoughts.. I go over them all the time in my mind… I would anyone to share any thoughts you might have that would help me with this this holiday season…

All this said and you got to know I in no way want to be known as THE SCROOGE! I love to have fun and rejoice. I don’t think Christmas should be a time of sitting still in a somber manner. NO it is a time of celebration and excitement… excitement for HIM and all that he has done. Mike is the one who said to me.. “ I want everyone to have fun at my birthday party!” in which I agree. I do believe that God rejoices in our happiness.

Again, maybe this is hitting me harder this year because of seeing all the need throughout the world and then realizing our abundance. Maybe it is having our 2 new children here that have never experienced Christmas and the overwhelming task it is at times to explain everything we do and why especially our Christmas Traditions… like the tree, lights on all the homes, gifts to each other ect. Am I teaching them about the most sacrificial gift ever given? Am I teaching them to learn sacrifice themselves? OR Am I teaching them that Christmas is all about FAMILY FUN FOOD AND GETTING GIFTS? … CAN IT BE BOTH.

There are so many other blogs and/or videos that do this topic so much more justice then me… please take the time to visit some of these…

I love this blog....

Livesay [Haiti] Weblog: O Holy Night

Nothing left to give today... Looking forward to tomorrow!!!!

2010-10-05T20:13:00.005-05:00

This quote went through my mind so much today....

"When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would

have not a single bit of talent left and could say...I Used Everything You Gave Me!"

Kept thinking... "I've officially done it ! I've used them all up, God."

Not sure there is much left to give... at least for today. Hopefully God will be filling my tank for tomorrow.. otherwise not sure what will happen!!! ;-)

Think I just need to claim this verse and go to bed...

Lamentations 3:22-24

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Sacrifices... Huge Rewards!!!

2010-08-29T21:32:00.006-05:00

A dear friend of mine has pointed out the obvious to me a few times... "You could of had an empty house here soon..." (speaking of when all the kids go back to school) OR "When all of us will be sending our last ones off to college you will still be just in the midst of things. " Helllooooo - I think I have thought of that before... just a few times! This whole thing is going to take some sacrifices for sure; even little daily ones like a quiet, peaceful, CLEAN house, a relaxing sunday afternoon with nothing to do, time sitting and visiting with friends, reading a book, even time alone with my husband.

When evening comes around lately I admit I have found myself feeling exhausted, a little irritable, out of control and a bit overwhelmed lately. I have questioned if I am up for the task at hand, doubting my own abilities sometime, yet thanking GOD I am not alone in this adventure also.

Adoption is not easy! I realize the sacrifices we are making. YET, ONE THING I HAVE NEVER ONCE QUESTIONED IS... IF THESE SACRIFICES ARE WORTH IT! It still is a no brainer to me. No matter how much I want to cry from exhaustion or because my laundry is piled high or I can not find my kitchen counter tops at the moment, no matter how much I would love to have some "me time", or even relax and dig into God's word as much as I use to... When I look into those big brown eyes of these two precious lives that God loves so very much and hand picked for our family, when I think of where they came from and all that they have gone through, there really is no sacrifice that I am giving up that even comes close to all that we are able to give them and how much of a blessing they are to us.

I really try not to "PUSH" adoption on anyone. I know this is such a special calling God has given us, but I wonder how many people have ignored the tugging of God's calling with the excuses of all the scarifies or hard work it would take. Oh, could I list all the excuses NOT to do this. It may not particularly be about adoption either but to truly live a life that goes beyond ones own desires and self; to not just see the needs of others throughout our lives or in this world but to step up and really do something about it. It is a scary thing to totally be open to what God's complete will would be for your life, to live a life completely SOLD OUT to Him.. no doubt there will be sacrifices, no doubt it may not look just the way YOU planned your life to look like.. but there is also no doubt the rewards in the END will far out weigh anything this world could ever offer.

3wks HOME - Attachment & Bonding Update

2010-08-24T22:38:00.009-05:00

I have thought of starting this note so many times and there are so many reasons why this one is so difficult. First of all ...TIME - basically there is none! ... at least extra time to sit down and really try and articulate all that has happened. Second reason is because I think I am afraid if I share the reality of the situation, I fear that someone may just focus on the stressors and I will not be able to properly articulate the amazing blessings that far overshadow any stressors along the way. But, I so badly want to try and document, remember and share this amazing time.

The kids really are amazing. Just looking at them can melt my heart... well most of the time. I don't think you have to be particularly an adoptive parent to understand the adjustment that is going on right now having 2 preschoolers around the house again. I was pretty prepared for these adjustments that were going to have to take place but it really does not make it that much easier. Time for myself is out the door and some days I am barely staying a float. The Lord continues to teach me SELFLESSNESS, PERSEVERANCE, AND to fight off any type of LAZINESS, and for this I am thankful! Remember the days that having a second to go to the bathroom alone and in peace was a treat!

I am so thankful for the older kids in the house and am trying to balance taking advantage of their love and ability to watch the kids and wanting to make the most of this transitional BONDING period. So far the BONDING and ATTACHMENT has really been going well as far as I know or feel. Before we left for Ethiopia we sent out a letter regarding some of the issues of attachment and bonding and what our friends and family may be able to expect or how they can help with this issue. We mentioned things like for the first weeks/months we may be pretty secluded, and when we did venture out we requested that friends and family not pick up, hold or meet any of the children's needs if they do seek them for such things but rather redirect them to us.

While we were in Ethiopia and shortly after our return we went through a period of time that we, or at least I, felt like the bonding was going so well that I questioned all the need for the rules. They did seek us for all their needs and would return to us if they got hurt or wanted anything. The love and affection that we shared with each other was so apparent. The problem was they shared that with most anyone they came into contact with. Even though these people were our closest friends and relatives there still was something that we questioned about it. We spoke with one social worker, sharing our concerns, but also explaining how we felt like this was so cultural for them. Ethiopian people are so loving and affectionate to each other we wondered if this was just normal. The one social worker thought we had nothing to be concerned about unless they started rejecting us or seeking others over us to meet any of their needs. But something still did not feel completely "right".

Last friday we spent the entire morning with the children at the University of MN Specialty Adoption Clinic. We had already brought them to our general pediatrician who we adore but we are also so thankful that we made the extra effort to go the this clinic as well. It was so amazing watching how they interacted with the kids. It was obvious they knew what they were doing. I am telling you, my kids are hard to resist! Just imagine the cutest little boy not only batting his long eyelashes at you but then puckering those big adorable pouty lips and offering you kisses if not on your check he will kiss her hand. While I know it was not easy, they did so well resisting his little love poisons. They did not pick him up, and even redirected him to me. "Your mama's right there. There's your mama." I seriously was so impressed and learned so much. What was even more amazing was how it seemed to put them at ease a bit.

Later last weekend we adventured out to a larger social outing. We were not sure if we were going to be able to do this and were prepared to leave as soon as things seemed tense. It was not a small event either. Since graduating from College this particular group of girlfriends have gotten together once a month, with husbands joining us for a party at christmas and the entire families together once a summer for a pool party. Not everyone was able to be there but still no small gathering. Before going we emailed everyone asking that they completely ignore the kids. Again, really this is no easy task but I was so impressed on how well everyone did. We held the kids initially and visited with people not paying any attention to them. This is where them not speaking English did come in handy for we could talk as much as we wanted about them without them knowing. I again was so amazed at how at ease they seemed to be compared to times when less people would visit, obviously to see them and talk to them. My understanding is when children are institutionalized they get attention and positive feedback by being cute, friendly, flirty with the caregivers. They were use to doing this to just about anyone they would come in contact with. Dr. Howard had asked for me to try and identify the number of transitions they had gone through in their lives. SEVEN was what I came up with (including us). Each of these transitions and places they had different caregivers who they had to be cute or loving too in order to get what they wanted and obviously never really bonding with any of them. I noticed that when people would come over to the house it seemed like Zoeyahna would feel like she had to perform for them and would get a bit hyperactive. I now think that this was all anxiety related. It again was amazing to me to see what ease the kids were at when everyone, except us of course, seemed to just ignore them at the party and not put them on the spot. We even were able to let them go for a bit and play in the pool with our older children while we visited with our friends poolside.

(The offspring of all of our college friends...12 couples=39 children,

though they weren't quite all there)

How long do we keep this up? I am not sure! I have heard 6 months is ideal which seems like quite awhile to me. But think about it... If I just had a baby I would at least take a 3 month leave of absence not wanting to leave that baby's side for that period of time. I nursed most of my birth-children so much longer than that even. These precious children at least deserve that and even more to formulate the bonding and attachment we both have missed out on with each other!!!! Hopefully the entire 6 months I will not be longing for my quiet little private moment in the bathroom but I will try and treasure this time of bonding.

My mother retells the story of when she had just had my youngest sister and she was standing there at the top of the driveway holding her as she sent my brother (the next youngest child) off to kindergarten. She recalls thinking "What was I thinking? I almost could of been free!" And now, summer is coming to an end and the kids are getting ready to go back to school. I do think of all the other things I could be preparing to do with my time but nothing could ever have as much value or purpose than loving and caring for these two precious children of GOD's. I continue to be so thankful for the opportunity to be used by God in such a way.

Oh boy.. this post got long.. and I feel I have not even begun to touch on all that has happened in the last 3 weeks. Hopefully I will find time again soon to write more!!!!

Attachment, Adjustments and BLESSINGS!!!!

2010-08-14T22:56:00.013-05:00

I know there is still so much to share about the trip itself and adventually I will somehow find the time to write about all that we experienced and saw. It continues to weigh so heavy on our hearts and we are anxious to share it with all who will hear. But for now I am doing all I can to stay a float during this transitonal season we are in. We have only been home for 10 days now and I really cannot believe how well it has gone. I keep holding out for some major hurdle to come up but so far nothing shy of a miracle. It is the only way that we can explain it. The attachment that is going on between all of us is amazing. WITH THAT SAID, even though the attachment is going so well this does not mean that the adjustments are all extremely easy also. Just the fact of having two little ones around the house again is an adjustment in itself. I admit I am tired and feeling the household duties falling wayward (yes, more than normal even.)

Zoeyahna and Ezekiel (Zoey and Zeke) are such happy kids. They bring so much joy to all of us. Sure they have their moments and little outbursts here and there, but who wouldn’t. It is funny because I find myself questioning everything. So many things I could so easily blow off as typical kid-things – I think each of the older ones have behaved or done the same things but now I study and question everything wondering if it may be a sign of problems to come.

I think I have read so many things about what problems to expect from children who have come from hard places that I forgot about the similarities that kids have no matter what part of the world they come from. The other night I was putting the kids to bed. I went through the “normal” routine we are trying to have, but as soon as I tucked them in and took a deep breath, one has to go “shint” – (no – I do not have a foul mouth, nor did I mis-spell that - it is their word for bathroom), then again we are tucked in and another wants “Whaa”- (a drink of water…) I did finally catch on and say “all done” when they tried saying they were hungry. I started wondering if one of my other kids had snuck in and taught them all the tricks of the trade… Seriously who taught them these things?

Zeke is actually a complete charmer and ham. If this kids giggle does not bring a smile to your face I have no idea what would. Culturally, I believe Ethiopians are such loving and affectionate people. Greeting each other with kisses are normal and Zeke adheres to his culture. Who wouldn't want to kiss those lips????

Zoey is a little sponge. I can tell she is so smart. Sometimes I wonder if she really understand all that we are saying and just pretending to not speak English. Every once in awhile she will blurt out a new word, or start to count in English or saying some of the ABCs with out us even working on them. She definitely do not like a lot of attention directed to her and as a tendency to get a bit hyper at times.

When we were driving in the car the kids heard the song Our God...(?) on the radio which usually anyone in the car will joyfully sing a long with. I really think they probably only heard it once or so but the next time it was on, they actually tried to sing along with it. Now Zeke always asks for "OUR GOD." (or something that sounds like that) whenever we get in the car.

Right now language is a major barrier though this too I am surprised how well we all communicate with each other with out actually speaking the same language. Though there has been plenty of times that I have really wanted to teach or explain something more in depth and just can not right now. I know it will all come in time, but they are little sponges right now, soaking up everything and it is frustrating when we cannot take complete advantage of that.

I love how excited the family is to have them around but I do admit I am looking forward to the day that the excitement fades just a little bit and we can sink in to a norm. The little arguments between the girls as to who gets to sit by them, who gets to carry them or hold their hand is minor but definitely adds to the tension throughout the day. Then the fact that the little ones really prefer the older girls more then sweet Emma is just a wee bit heartbreaking. Emma is probably having the hardest adjustment. She is handling it so well and I am so proud of her but she is definitely the one that it is affecting the most. We are pretty intentional right now as to making sure Emma (and all the kids for that matter) still gets some individual time and attention.

I really do not want to come across, as this is an easy journey. But the blessings that continue to come our way throughout all of this are immeasurable right now. Our Lord is so good and we are so very blessed!

HOME!!!

2010-08-07T21:26:00.015-05:00

There is so much more to share about the trip, all that we saw there, the incredible needs and ministry opportunities to be apart of but for now I need to skip forward because…

OUR FAMILY IS TOGETHER!!!!

We are home and it feels so good!!! Any anxiety of the much talked about dreaded flight home was unwarranted. The children did great. Again it was so nice to have Bereket and Daniel, our friends from the orphanage who spoke the Walayta language, to be able to interpret for us as we explained to them exactly what to expect.

The arrival at the Minneapolis airport was incredible.

To have our family waiting for us with signs, balloons and all the love possible to welcome us home was something I will never forget. We had practiced with the kids identifying each of the other older children and their names over and over on the trip so when they finally saw them in person I really think it all clicked for them.

Mike and I have prayed so much for an extra-ordinary type of bonding between all members of our family. The 6 of us have always been so close and it is something that we prayed would continue with our 2 new members. I heard and read of so many attachment difficulties so we were prepared for this too. While I know we are only at the beginning of this journey I have to say that we really could not of asked for a better beginning. We feel so blessed.

THE LORD IS GOOD!!! OH SO GOOD!!!! TO HIM BE ALL THE GLORY!!!

7/30/10

2010-08-01T18:24:00.001-05:00

7/30/10 Friday - Meeting the children

The sun is coming up, the dogs barking, the roosters are crowing and the chanting has begun. Mike and I are sitting here right now trying to wrap our minds around the fact that we are going to meet our 2 new children in just a few hours. We really do not know how old they actually are, how big they will be, what will they actually look like. We have studied the pictures over and over again, even the video that I took at our first brief encounter but still we just do not know what to expect. How will they react to us? What will we feel when we see them? OH LORD, Please Calm our anxious hearts !!!!!

We have them! They are with us and to quote Mike, “Could this of gone any better!” They are beautiful and extremely affectionate children. We start walking from the gate to the house, they see us and come running. All four of them, our 2 children and the other 2 twin girls they have been with and grown so close to at the orphanage. I am almost worried that they are too affectionate and the bonding is going too well for just the first day. Although, they have seen pictures of us and have been told all about us for sometime, you read about attachment disorders where the children will go and are affectionate with just about anyone never making that proper real attachment to their adoptive parents. I really am not sure if that is the case or not.

From the care center in Addis we right away drove to Soddo. We were so concerned for the children regarding the ride down there for we heard they were not use to driving in cars and would often get car sick. We had grabbed two vomit bags from the plane just for this very reason. However, they were not the ones we needed to be concerned about. Both Mike and I, pretty much the entire trip had to be looking forward out the open window, trying not to make any movement of our heads, with the good ole’ vomit bags in hand to be used at any second. Not sure it is due to the extreme rain they have had this season but all the roads especially the ones trying to get out of Addis (which took a good hour itself) were under extreme construction or needed to be. The huge bumps, that I was sure we were going to get stuck in any second, and the constant swirving, stopping and going, combined with the constant smell of exhaust could make anyone who was not use to this lose their breakfast.

7/29/10

2010-08-01T18:22:00.002-05:00

7/29/10 Thursday Arrive in Ethiopia 10 p,m.

The flight - was completely uneventful but you forget how horribly long it is. We left Mpls. a little late.. Probably around6pm and flew to Amsterdam where we had a about an hour and a half layover.

The Amsterdam airport - was ginormous. Talk about having fun people watching. It was incredible for me to see so many different people from different cultures all together. I could not help and think again about God’s love for all of us. It also struck me how important I think it is that every Christian experiences some type of international Missions trip at some point in their lives if possible. I know you do not have to necessarily even travel to far from home to go beyond your own culture and bubble we live in. But international travel, especially to a third world country really opens your eyes to just how big and diverse our world is. It is so easy to narrow our views and perspective of life to all the things that REVOLVE AROUND US… but instead we are just a portion of something so much bigger that REVOLVES AROUND THE CREATOR OF IT ALL!!!!!

From Amsterdam we stopped for an hour in Kartoon, Sudan to refuel, not leaving the airplane and then onto Ethiopia. As we were standing in the Immigration Line in the Airport I was flooded with emotions; So many things going through my mind. It really hit home. We are really here. This is really happening. Some of the gush of emotions was remembering the experiences of the last trip here. Most of which I want to block out but yet amazed to be able to look back and now see What God’s Big Plan was that I was unaware of at the time and in the midst of all the turmoil. So glad Mike is with me right now and we were experiencing this together. I could not imagine traveling here again with out him.

The GUESTHOUSE- is very nice. We were greeted at the airport by 2 BFAS staff, loaded our stuff in a van and drove just a few miles to the guest house. The electricity was off right when we arrived so they had candels lite and a table set for us to have dinner. We did the all the paperwork necessary for the Embassy appointment right away including giving them our Embassy fees, then sat and had a bite to eat just the 2 of us and headed to bed. I was not sure if I would be able to sleep but I slept solidly for a good 4 – 4.5 hours, waking at about 4:30am.

7/28/10

2010-08-01T18:06:00.004-05:00

Hey everyone! It's Noelle here, Amy's oldest daughter. Just posting some journal entries for my mom while they are in ethiopia. Blogger does not work there so she emailed them to me.

7/28/10 Wednesday FLIGHT LEAVES FOR ETHIOPIA – 5:05 pm

As much as I have been packing and repacking for weeks you would think that I would have been so organized and had the luggage on the side of the curb just waiting to be loaded in the car when it was time to go. Unfortunately that is just NOT how it worked. Not sure why it is always like that for me. Such a bummer.

The night before we left our Pastor, Youth Pastor and their wives came over to pray for us. I cannot tell you what a blessing it is to feel so much love and support from these people. I really believe it is not just because they happen to be our pastors but they are truly our friends. It was great being able to pray together, Giving Him all the Glory and Praises for what is has and is going to do and also praying that the He goes before us and paves the way and makes our paths straight!

When they were there I felt like I was pretty set. The bins were closed, not sealed but closed. We were bringing our 2 carryons with our personal stuff, 1 suitcase for the kids we were shipping and 5 larger plastic bins of donations, including the 2 computers we were able to purchase from the donations from the shower we had. Something happened between then and the time we were to leave for the airport. I really have no idea what it was but it was NOT PRETTY. For some reason I felt the need to reorganize all the bins. LUKE was the official wiegher of the bins (Although I will give credit to CHASE, one of seragent sons from Rockpoint, who did step in when Luke was not available – YOU MADE THE BLOG CHASE!!!;-). I think we weighed and reweighed, reorganized and weighed again a hundred times.

At first I wanted to reorganize so I only had to open certain bins while in Addis and certain ones in Soddo, But as soon as we were into that and almost done we concluded that we knew of someone that was actually leaving a week after we got back and could bring the extra bins for us. We were allowed 2 check in bags each and were going to pay $200 for each of the extra bins we were bringing. This realization made me panic and scramble to again reorganize everything so anything that I needed for specific individuals were packed in the bins I was bringing and not the ones I sent later.

Seriously MY PLAN was to have all the bags on the curb when Mike got home from the half day of work he put in. I really thought I could do it. I was fully aware that with any trip/vacation we go on there is always a bit of tension and anxiety in the house until everything is packed and in the car or even checked in at the airport. Then you add the little facts like this was a trip to AFRICA, all the extra luggage and ministry things we wanted to take advantage of, ABOVE ALL THAT THE FACT THAT THE MAIN PURPOSE OF THIS WHOLE TRIP IS TO ADOPT AND BRING HOME TWO PRECIOUS LITTLE CHILDREN. I really wanted to be able to minimize that tension as much as possible. It really was my intent. Instead when Mike got home he arrived to a little tornado to say the least. I had my girlfriend, Lynette over – Organizer extraordinaire- One of my Favorite cousins of all times who has experience with the adoption process multiply times and been by our side through all of this from day one– and my mother all running around like crazy. We tried to act like we had it all under control but there was no fooling Mike. It did not help that Luke runs up to him says “its just out of control here!”

Oh, I am so sorry Honey! I really did try. All that said, we were at the airport, checked in and even at the gate 2 hours before our flight

WE ARE HEADED TO ETHIOPIA!!!!

2010-07-26T10:16:00.005-05:00

WE GOT THE CALL!!! This last Friday we were told we got the okay from the US EMBASSY in Ethiopia to travel there and BRING OUR CHILDREN HOME!!! WE are leaving THIS WEDNESDAY!!!!

I wanted to write some incredible entry but you know what …. I just do not have the skill or the time right now!!! I thought better to update a little than not to update at all but then I heard this quote by Elizabeth Elliot, and realized even if I did have the time there is no way I could say it any better...

"I've told the Lord I want to be an obedient servant, and He shot back…. 'And are you willing to face grief and pain or whatever it takes for Me to make you that?' …. Even though I felt unable, I said, 'What choice do I have? I know too much to drop the ball now. There's no turning back.' I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. But He has brought me this far and already my joy is unspeakable."

Oh to be as eloquent as Elizabeth Elliot! I think I could write days about that single quote. It is so much of what is going on in my mind right now.

“What choice do I have?... I know to much to drop the ball now.”

This journey has really been an amazing one for me. When I think about sharing the journey with others I wonder, HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN? To really be able to tell this story I have to start with the revelations that has occurred in my life. It has been in ongoing one yet one that continues to grow all the time.

This revelation is the realization of …WHO GOD REALLY IS… WHAT HE DID FOR ME and JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.

I think once this really sinks in and takes grip of your heart it is then that you sit there and say… What choice do I have? I know too much to drop the ball… to turn away… to not want to bring Him glory in everything I do. This most amazing, incredible, powerfully GOD of the UNIVERSE LOVES ME, even to the point of dying for me. He chose me, to give me eternal life. He has blessed us so much, how could I say NO, Especially to something or someone HE treasures so much!!!!!

“I’ll be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid.”

Understatement !! Now I am No Elizabeth Elliot.. Not even close. I am not going out to live in the jungle with people who may take my life or who have already taken my husbands life. I have fear nonetheless!!!

BUT WHAT INCREDIBLE PEACE TOO!!!

“But He has brought me this far and already my joy is unspeakable."

So excited about all that God has done already throughout this journey. And excited about all that He is going to do as we continue to walk the journey He has chosen for us!!!!!

So there it is…

Please be praying!!!! I hope to update the blog while there but I know I had trouble last time so maybe I might be handing the updating off to Noelle.

We return Wednesday the 4^th.

But for now.. Please continue to pray.

Pray for safety and good health throughout the trip both for us and for the children.

Pray for an extra ordinary attachment and bonding for our entire family.

Pray that throughout the entire trip that God opens our eyes and hearts to the needs of those around us and will show us how to pray for others and meet those needs as we are able, whether that be in the airport, on the plane, at the orphanage or in the village.

THE LORD IS GOOD!!! OH SO GOOD!!!!!

MAY ALL PRAISE AND GLORY GO TO HIM ALWAYS!!

One step Closer!!!

2010-07-16T12:09:00.003-05:00

PAPERS ARE IN THE US EMBASSY's HANDS!!!

Now what, you may ask .....

Well.... WE WAIT!!!

YES, WAIT, Once again!!!

The Lord really is teaching us things like patience, perseverance and submission. Word is that the US EMBASSY in Ethiopia is completely backed up. Many families that have already received their invite to go and get their children have gotten called at the last minute that their appointment times have been pushed back. Not really sure what this means for us or if this affects our agency in anyway at this time.

At this point it is solely up to US EMBASSY as to when we get to travel to Ethiopia and finally bring our children home. We are trying to trust that God's timing is perfect in all of this even though there has been so many times throughout this process I have caught myself thinking that my timing and my way would of been so much better. BUT... HE KNOWS WHAT IS BEST... not I !!! AGAIN... PEACE!!!

Meanwhile - It has really been amazing around here watching God prepare our hearts in such little but oh so significant ways. I think we as Americans look for those big instant life changing things. We want to see the instant miracles.. RIGHT NOW!!! And if we don't we get frustrated and begin to doubt... not realizing that God really is doing incredible things.. in His timing and His way. Again it is about PERSEVERANCE and FAITH!

Thank you GOD for the journey you have us on. Thank you for all you have done and all you are doing - even the things we are not even aware of right now. YOU ARE SO AMAZING!!!!

2010-07-07T13:47:00.007-05:00

SO SO SORRY!

Can you tell that school is out? Just a bit busier around here now that they are all home! Well not all of them …..YET!!!!

Thank you all for your phone calls and emails wanting to know what is happening and how you can be praying. The roller coaster of emotions and ups and downs with international adoption continues but at the same time I find it amazing how God continues to sustain us and we continue to lean on him and grow in our faith.

Writing all that has gone on in the last few weeks is not an easy task so bare with me.....

Hearing court was delayed on the 10^th was a big blow. But then the day after that someone close to us who also was told they were postponed to the 29^th found out that they had passed court. This gave us a little hope that something could happen sooner.

Monday, June 14^th was an incredible day. Girlfriends of mine had been asking about throwing a shower for us but instead we turned it into a big SHOWER for the orphanage. It was an incredible night being able to share with others all about what God has laid on our hearts.

My house was packed full.... Packed! It was hard to get an overall feeling of what was going on because there were so many to talk to and so much to share and so many wanted to know - I wish I had more time to share everything - but I am still trying to figure out how to even start to explain the journey that we have been on – taking a look at the last few months it really is almost unbelievable... but not even the journey of the past but how can I explain what an incredible opportunity we have before us to really make a difference - the connections - the people- the places - the need -

I just don't know if I did or even can do it justice - I don't know how to put it into words all that God has done or the opportunities He has given us that lie ahead.

Just a few of the highlights from the SHOWER…

A classmate of our youngest daughter is from Ethiopia. She came with her younger sister, aunt, mother and grandmother. The grandmother brought coffee beans and roasted them over the oven .. ground them and boiled them and then did an entire coffee ceremony for us.. we were so surprised that the fire alarms did not go off due to the smoke from the incense - a bit over powering but yet so cool.

A special blessing of the night was that adoptive parents that I have been communicating so much with for the last few months came.. they recently adopted a 12 year old girl from Operation Rescue Ethiopia that we met when we were there last summer. Hailyn was beautiful. What a joy! I just hugged her and cried. She represented so much of what this whole journey is about.

Probably the highlight of the night was when everyone gathered around our family and our pastor led a time of prayer and blessing for us We could physically feel the love and support from everyone not to mention the presence of the LORD at that very moment.

It really was an amazing night. And the Lord new I needed it. That morning I had woken up really expecting to hear that we had passed court and that the shower would be a time of celebration. After all of it was over.. I realized that that it really was a time of celebration even though we were not celebrating the passing of court. We were celebrating how incredible our GOD is and the entire journey He has brought us on… The entire thing.

Now I know this might sound a little freaky to some of you. BUT, it was obvious that Satan was not happy with all that had happened that night. When God starts working … beware.. Satan will try and destroy it. There was a sense of tension in the house. Coming from all direction.. and we really had to battle through it.

JULY 17^th - We actually found out that we PASSED COURT. They were officially LINDAHLS! OUR CHILDREN! But even then I could tell something was not right about the way that I was feeling. The heaviness and oppression was so obvious. Here is something I wrote in my journal at the time..

I have not shared this with anyone ... not sure why... even hard for me to pinpoint right now... not sure that I want to be this vulnerable or open on the blog or with anyone else at this point...

I am not feeling right... not sure what to even say about it... I can't even think right .. I have really not slept for a week... I really should be so excited .. last night.. this morning at 3:33am we got the message .. we passed court.. they are OURS!!! Officially LINDAHLS!!!

It is weird.. I don't know what to say... I don't know how I am supposed to feel. what I think I HAVE been feeling lately is... Scared to death!!!! What the heck am I doing? Am I going to be able to handle this? I can hardly handle all that God has already given me... I am really a pretty lazy person... unorganized ... and selfish. Life is going to MAJORLY CHANGE --- Am I ready? CaN I do this ? Do I even really want it to? My life is full right now.. really full.. this is going to take sacrifice, hard work, probably a bit of pain.. emotional pain... WHAT AM I BRINGING ON... ?

I am a loving, affectionate, touch-ie feel-ie type of person.. and I fear I will not be able to love them like I should. I fear about the lack of attachment there may be... not even from them .. but from me... Am I all talk? Am I capable of loving like GOD commands us too? What if I don't like them?????? What if I don't even like MY CHILDREN?

Even now I am nervous to post the feelings that I was having at that time. But as I have shared them with other adoptive parents it has been so reassuring that a lot of these feeling are pretty normal. I know it sounds crazy especially after all we had gone thru to get to that spot and yes most of it is probably due to lack of sleep but I really feel like there was a spiritual battle going on at that time.

June 26^th – the next Saturday Mike and I along with our two oldest children were suppose to load a bus and head to OHIO to a national youth convention. We were supposed to be leaders and were previously so excited about this trip but at the time we seriously considered backing out. But God knew this was exactly what we needed. Even then I feel like Satan was not going to give up.

The first night, just before the first session we got a call from our adoption agency that the MOWA had lost our files. LOST OUR FILES! Now I am no one to point fingers at anyone for losing things because I do it all the time. But as I had said to them.. IF I lose something… I LOOK UNTIL IT IS FOUND… SO FIND IT!!! We wanted to file for Embassy by July 1^st and this was not going to be able to happen now.

Again though …. Victory was OURS! Not that they found our files but I really believe God knew what we were going to need to sustain us through this new BUMP! An incredible night/week of worship and focusing on HIM and His WORD! Wow!!! Really, it was incredible. And to be able to be there with my husband and two of my children, watching them have so much fun and worshipping was such a blessing and something I am so very THANKFUL FOR! (I WILL ADD PICS HERE SOON)

Just TODAY we have it confirmed that they have found the files. It would be our prayer to be able to file for Embassy as soon as possible but it may not be until the 15^th. After that we then wait for the Embassy to do their thing /research and then tell us when we are able to bring our children home. While I know we are nearing the end of this portion of the journey I also feel like this has been NO SPRINT.. But more like a MARATHON.. and if anyone ever tells you that last few miles of the marathon are the easiest…. THEY ARE LIEING!

Please continue to pray for us. Pray for our family as we prepare for our new little members. Pray for health and safety of those precious 2 children. They have been through so much already in their short little lives. Pray the Lord provides the proper healing that will need to take place. AND PLEASE PRAY.. for an extra-ordinary attachment and bonding between all members of our family and that God will equip us with the right wisdom and tools to accomplish this.

... all the TIME!!!

2010-06-12T21:49:00.003-05:00

The Lord is good.... all the time!

We are also doing good! Really we are ! We are not going to let Satan get us down. While some of you have called or swung by and caught me on a "not so good" moment we really are hanging in there. Sure I can cry quite easily these days but we have such amazing PEACE that all is going to work out! I seriously have nothing to complain about. A postponed court date is not a closed door just a little further journey to get to the next step. Who am I to complain? After all the author of the story really knows what He is writing and I feel so blessed to be apart of it!

We have been busy getting ready for a SHOWER/ FUNDRAISER here on Monday night! I am sooo excited about this. I love the quote from the interview previously posted, "Adoption is not the period at the end of the sentence for us." This is totally how I feel. I know this adoption is but one part of something so much bigger. The "Shower" for the orphanage our children are at, is one way to bring awareness and allow others to be apart of this journey with us. If any friends or family that have not yet heard about this but would like to swing by we would love to have you!

The Lord is good .. all the TIME!!!

COURT DATE RESCHEDULED JUNE 29th!

2010-06-10T09:44:00.003-05:00

It is times like these that hurt so bad and you cry out .. WHY? ... wanting so badly to be able to do SOMETHING!!! ... All the while needing to sit back and TRUST..

OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!! HE IS DOING "SOMETHING" RIGHT NOW...

even though we do not know what exactly that could be... we need to TRUST AND BELIEVE it is good... even better than we could ever imagine!!!!!!

Still the tears flow!!!!!

# 1

2010-06-09T21:41:00.005-05:00

Actually, LESS THAN......

PLEASE BE IN PRAYER!!! Our case will be heard in the Ethiopian Courts in less than 24hours. Tonight as we are sleeping so many things have to come together and the judge will be making a decision whether we will be the forever parents of these two precious children. We have heard that there usually is a 50% chance that you pass court the first time. Please pray that the Lord directs All and His will will be done!!! May He be glorified with whatever happens!!!!

2

2010-06-08T16:29:00.002-05:00

3 - Labor Pains????

2010-06-07T17:09:00.003-05:00

Labor Pains are kicking in!!!!!! Coming off such a busy weekend into a crazy busy week and I am starting to feel the anxiety and stress kick in. I initially missed number 4 of the count down and was not going to post today either until a got the sweetest call from my husband letting me know I missed yesterday and that today WAS #3!!! Yes - Mr. "Not so sure about this Blog thing" himself. Can I just say... that I may be feeling the crunch and labor pains of the upcoming events but I have the best coach and partner ever to stick through all of this with me .. thick or thin!!! He was incredible during the delivery of all 4 kids, and although this is a different kind of labor there is no one I would rather have by my side at this time!!! LOVE YA HONEY!!!! THREE IT IS!!!!

4

2010-06-07T17:06:00.000-05:00

5

2010-06-05T18:25:00.003-05:00

That’s right I can now count on one hand the number of days till our court date!!

I have to admit I’m having a hard day today though. I don’t know why. Maybe the cloudy rainy day is getting to me but yet I actually kind of like rainy days that make us all stay inside together and even get some projects done. Maybe it is the time of year where there is so much going on and I feel like there is no slowing down to really even think. The older two had a car wash this morning to raise money for a youth conference they are going to this summer and the little girls have dance recital this whole weekend. But really all those things are not that overwhelmingly busy and even with all that’s going on I don’t think that is the reason for my blues.

You would think I would be jumping for joy that the court date is just around the corner, but actually, I think I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and stressed, and a little on our own here, which ultimately is ok. The thing is, you know when you are so passionate and excited about something and totally want to make the most of every opportunity, yet everyone around you is also soooo busy and have so many other things going on in their own lives that they too are excited and passionate about. I absolutely do not want to be self-centered or make this at all about ME! Yet I do intensely desire to spread the passion and deep burden to care for all the orphans throughout the world and not miss out on taking full advantage of the opportunities God is laying before us.

Mike and I are really considering traveling at the end of the month. That is IF… (I so badly want to say WHEN) we pass court. We are talking about leaving 3 weeks from today. OK.. so I guess that kind of explains the stress and blues a little. Trying to wrap up the four kids end of the year activities, plan their summer events, clean the house top to bottom because who knows when I will have time to do it again, buy beds, car seats and whatever else is needed when we return I guess could stress the normal person out just a bit. After meeting our children, Mike would only stay a week and then return on his own. I would then stay until we get an embassy date and can bring the children home.

I fully admit I am NOT an organized, task orientated person. Right now there are like a million things I know I should be doing but I almost feel paralyzed and do not even know where to begin and even the littlest things seem like huge tasks.

On top of everything I so badly want to help meet some of the needs that the orphanage the children are at has right now. It is just a new orphanage and the two men who started it are really amazing godly men. Mike kind of gets frustrated with me because he sees my desires and passions AND MY FRUSTRATIONS. He also knows the needs but is so wise with knowing our limits. Sometimes I feel like that is a bad thing but really he is so wise. There really is so much to be done just preparing for the kids to come home. Finances are tight right now with all the expenses of the adoption and travel expenses alone. I know I cannot expect everyone to have the same desires and passion that I have either. I have to keep reminding myself that God really does not NEED ME to do anything. If he wanted to use me to do something for the orphanage than it would be clear just how to go about doing that. If he wanted others to get on board with this mission too, He would impress it on their hearts just like He has mine. For now, I just need to keep on plugging along and getting ready for what is ahead and what I am capable of doing. Everything else will fall into place.

6

2010-06-04T08:59:00.007-05:00

Yeah , Thats right we are on SIX! SIX more days…

Actually, THE NUMBER SIX is pretty significant. Do you realize that in SIX more days there is a pretty good possibility that I could be a parent to SIX children? 6 !!!! WOW! What an amazing blessing! One of the main comments I get when people find out we are adopting is ... WOW, Aren’t those children so lucky to be adopted into your family OR they are such lucky kids? But truthfully … WE ARE THE ONES THAT ARE THE LUCKY ONES? We are so amazingly blessed that God chose us to open our eyes and bring us on this journey. I think the impact that this journey has or will have on our family cannot even compare. I read about an interview with another adoptive family in Lakeville who actually go to church with my mom. It was part of something else that was posted on the Christian Alliance Blog but I loved what they had to say because it sums up exactly how I feel…

…The couple already had five children, the youngest ten, and had been anticipating the freedom of an empty nest. But on a mission trip to Africa, a concern for orphans budded into a sense of calling to adoption. A year and a half ago, they adopted two boys from Uganda, 3-year-old Phillip and 4-year-old Zachary.

Lisa Harding expresses what I’ve heard from so many adoptive parents in recent years: that the desire God stirred in them to care for orphans has most definitely not reached its completion in the adoption. Rather, they see adoption as one part of a life-long call to live out James 1:27. Speaking of their plans to attend Summit, Lisa expressed, “I’m excited about refueling what’s already a passion in us because this is not a period at the end of a sentence now that Philip and Zachary are in our house. Now, it’s what’s next?”

Just as significant, Harding’s words at the end of the interview capture the power of God’s intent in adoption and orphan care. It isn’t just about rescuing orphans; it is about rescuing self-absorbed Christian adults as well. Caring for orphans is a journey of root-level discipleship, because love for orphans transforms. As Lisa Harding concluded, “People have said, ‘Oh, aren’t they lucky, you rescued them from whatever. And I think, Are you kidding? I’m the lucky one. I get to be their mom. And I get to be daily rescued from my selfishness, and my impatience, and things that are just as disease-ridden in my soul.”

OH LORD, THANK YOU FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY AHEAD OF US !!! WOW, IN JUST SIX MORE DAYS …. I GET TO BE THE MOM OF TWO MORE PRECIOUS LIVES THAT GOD CREATED AND LOVES!!!!

Thank you JESUS! Thank you Thank you Lord!!!

7

2010-06-03T09:34:00.000-05:00

Eight...

2010-06-02T12:39:00.003-05:00

EIGHT MORE DAYS !!!!!!

Trying to prepare myself to NOT pass court the first time but it really is not working to well. I read from one agency that there is a 50% chance of passing the first time. Why is that hard to believe? I can not imagine not passing for some reason.. although I know it is possible and I have heard of plenty of people who don't! Whatever happens... God is in control.. such amazing peace knowing that and really being able to rely on it daily!!

* There have been some of you asking about PICTURES of the kids! Don't worry, we have plenty. Just got new ones a few days ago and they look so much happier and healthier than they did in February. I can not wait to be able to post them but we are not allowed to until we pass court which, by the way.... IS IN EIGHT MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!

AND THE COUNTDOWN HAS BEGUN...

2010-06-01T14:19:00.004-05:00

Ten… Nine….
Still time to back out!
Though true .. we are not going to! But I do want to be open and honest. I am all about speaking from the heart… saying it how it is…. Calling a spade a spade,… Not running from the truth... I never want to candy coat things or make a person believe or see something that is not really there. Sometimes I think, especially Christians, want to act like they have it all together and want to look like life is just perfect but on the inside it is far from the truth.. What good is that for those around us? How does that benefit others who may be feeling the same way?

The truth is I am a bit scared. Scared about what this is going to do to our family. Scared that I am not a good enough parent already and now I am taking 2 more in. Scared that my biological kids already look at me like I have no clue what I am doing raising them… and I think what if they are right? What if I am not cut out for this, what if I won’t be able to keep up? What if we have major attachment problems?

Thoughts of backing out do cross my mind. The truth is I know that adoption may not be easy. Especially when you are adopting older children that have already experienced trauma in their lives. I think it is wise for us to be prepared for the challenges ahead so we have gone to seminars. We have read books, not to mention the many, many blogs that I have read on attachment disorders. Not sure if I feel more prepared at this time or just completely freaked out and wonder WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE WE GETTING OURSELVES INTO?

But this is what I go back to …
Scripturally there is such a conviction in my heart that this is what we are to do. OUR LIVES ARE NOT OUR OWN!!! This is not all about us! I think I would feel so disobedient if I did not do this right now. If someone wants to convince me that I am wrong, please do so.
Is this for everyone… NO!
But, I am convinced it is what God is calling US to do.

So why ? Why do I feel so strongly about this… here is just a few reasons…

1. James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world
2. Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you. You know what Christ did for me? He adopted me. He swept me up and made me apart of the most ROYAL FAMILY EVER.
3. Matt. 25:40 – The King will reply, “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”
4. We have room in our house and in our hearts. We have been given so much. And we believe it all comes from Him. It is not our own to do with as we please. How does He want us to use His things?
5. If someone said they loved me with all their heart and then saw one of my children hurting, alone, fatherless and could do something about it but didn’t I don’t know if I would truly believe if they loved me as much as they said they did.
6. James 4:17 Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
7. Ephesians 5:16 Use every chance you have for doing good.
8. If I claim my goal is to be like Christ then I not only want HIS EYES to see with but also HIS HEART.. and HIS HANDS. I love the song…

Hosanna…

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like YOU have loved me

BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS

Everything I am for Your Kindom’s cause

As I walk from earth into eternity.

And then the “Why Nots”…

Honestly, I start to make a list of all the “Why Nots” and every single one of them end up being such selfish reasons... so I stop and reflect on the WHYS that He has put on our hearts!!!

COURT DATE -JUNE 10th

2010-05-19T09:42:00.006-05:00

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:19-21

Shortly after posting the last post I checked my email and there is was! The Court Date - JUNE 10th! Can you believe it? Forget trying to GUESS-timate... God has a plan and it is better than we could ever ask or imagine. His plan is perfect. In good times .. LIKE THIS!!! And what we think are the worst of times. His ways are so much better than my ways!!

Not to put a damper on the celebration here but I just have to tell you where my heart is today. I have been following a blog for the last month of an incredible family who adopted the sweetest little 3 year old girl (now 4) from Serbia in Oct of 2009. They knew adopting her that she had a severe congenital heart defect but also was very confident that God was calling to proceed with the adoption and that He was going to use her life to reach many. The incredible faith that they had that God would heal her was amazing and This is exactly what HE did... In HIS WAYS NOT OURS! Chrissie had open heart surgery in San Antonio on April 19th and NOW today Chrissie went to be with the LORD! If anyone has some time on their hands to read an incredible journey of faith and love this is where you can find...

Not sure why this all brought me back to the loss of my father. I think because it was during that time that maybe I first really came to the true understanding, submission and faith in God's sovereignty. It was when I completely had a "GOT IT" moment as to HIS WAYS ARE BETTER THAN MY WAYS and HIS THOUGHTS ARE BETTER THAN MY THOUGHTS... and I praise God for the opportunity to learn this lesson.

Chrissie's life did not end at all like her family was thinking it would, but her testimony will go on forever. I can guarantee that the number of people that have have been touched and will be touched, when they hear this testimony is....

"immeasurably more than all that could of been asked or imagined, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Update, Feelings, and Why ?

2010-05-17T08:48:00.004-05:00

UPDATE:
No new adoption update YET... We continue to prayerfully and patiently wait for news on a court date. I would like to be able to tell you I am trying not to over think it right now by trying to guess on when we should hear something but this is not exactly true. I have searched blog after blog, read so many websites, did the math myself over and over again to try and guess-timate when we should hear something, what the court date would be and then when we would be able to travel and bring them HOME. I know that I shouldn't be doing this.. it may only lead to discouragement .. but HOW CAN I NOT? So....
The guess-timation ( FOR NOW ) is ... We are hoping to be given a court date by the end of THIS WEEK!!!!

FEELINGS:
People ask me, "Are you so excited?" I wonder, "Do they want the quick simple answer or the real "whats going on in Amy's head" answer?"
Quick answer... SO EXCITED! Hard for me to concentrate or think of anything else!
But here is just a little bit more of what really is going on in my head... Such mixed feelings..

Excited - Yes!

Nervous - completely!

A bit Anxious and even a little sad - totally!

Sad ? Does that sound like a weird one... but it is true... there is part of me that is mourning a little... mourning that the incredible thing we have going right now will be changed and never be the same. Sad that my baby (who actually is 8 yrs old) will no longer be the baby of the house. Sad that I won't have as much time to spend with the other kids, my husband or for myself. And that is just part of it...

So then someone may ask .. "WHY DO THIS THEN?"
Ohhhhhh.... and do I have so many answers for this which will have to be a separate blog of its own.. for now though, I want to share with you this video...

Peter Eide was at the Summit Conference that Mike and I went to a few weeks back.
Loved his testimony and then when he led us in worship... This is one of the songs he sang.. during it he paused a bit and said.. "Now imagine as I sing this next part, this is Jesus answering US after we asked him.. WHY? WHY ME? Why did You choose me? Why did You adopt me? "

Ephesians 1:4-6

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

Amos Story - Music Video - Aaron Ivey

2010-04-24T20:04:00.002-05:00

LOVE THIS SONG.....

Here's the words to the chorus...

I’ll find a way to get you here

If it takes my fleeting breath

Another sunrise hits the ground

And it’s a dark lonely sight

Light years away I hope you know

There is a somebody searching

For the way to get you here

I will get you here

BIG NEWS, NEW RULES, AND GENTLE REMINDERS TO STAY FOCUSED

2010-04-21T23:00:00.006-05:00

I have been hesitant to write for a while for I have not known if what I say today will be completely different tomorrow. I am so happy to say that the more things move along now I feel the situation stabilizing a bit… so why were my emotions starting to go crazy.

I think I know why… But first let me catch you up…

Things around here have been busy. CRAZY BUSY! It was brought to our attention that the children were brought to a new orphanage. This orphanage was really new and not yet connected with any adoption agencies. We did not know if or how we were going to be able to proceed with the adoption. Finally, we received word that they found an agency to partner with them and GET THIS … The agency is based out of Minneapolis, MN., just a mere 20-25mins from our house.

Within the last few weeks we have filled out the application, had initial meetings, and interviews and have completed the entire Dossier. (A WHOLE LOT OF PAPERWORK, including the HOME-STUDY, POLICE CLEARANCE, MARRIAGE AND BIRTH CERTIFICATES, REFERRENCES AND MEDICAL RECORDS) As I type right now the Dossier is probably in Washington DC getting authenticated (whatever that means) and then should be in Ethiopia by the end of this week/early next week. Some people in the “adoption world” may refer to this as “paper pregnant” or the DTE stage (DOSSIER TO ETHIOPIA). Whatever it is, once the dossier gets to Ethiopia it will be translated and matched with the children’s documents and presented to court requesting a court date. We are hoping that they will be able to request a court date before the deadline of the NEW TRAVEL TWICE rule going into affect (May 9^th -I think).

Just within the last month or so, there have been big changes made in the Ethiopian Government regarding adoptions. Here are the NEW RULES that may be affecting us…

"Families need to be prepared to travel Approximately 4 - 8 weeks after receiving a referral to be present in Ethiopia for their appointed court date. Families will remain in Ethiopia for roughly 5-7 days and will then return to the United States after officially passing court. Families will then travel back to Ethiopia approximately 10 -12 weeks later to pick up their adopted child(ren)."

At this time, we can just sign over power of attorney over to a representative from our agency that will speak on our behalf at the court hearing. Many times it seems to take multiple attempts to pass court but as soon as court is passed the children legally become “LINDAHLS”!!! Then we just need to wait for the Embassy appointment at which time we will fly there, get their visas and bring them home.

Again, I completely understand the reasoning behind these new rules. From what I have heard, there have been quite a few cases where families have passed court, and then decided that the child that they had already legally adopted is not right for their family for some reason or another…or something happens that they never end up getting the child. Ethiopian adoptions are not reversible, and it is difficult for that child to ever have another chance to be adopted. These new rules will protect the families and the children. This is how adoptions work in Eastern Europe. The unfortunate part of this new rule, and the reason we so badly want to bypass it is…

· It adds $5000plus to the already overwhelming cost of the adoption.
· It requires two very long trips in a relatively short time period – which can be very difficult for child care for some families along with twice the time off of work for Mike.
· One of the biggest issues I have with this rule is …Adoptive parents will meet their child,, hopefully start a bond with the child, and then have to leave him or her behind for months. For most of these children they already had so many people come and go from their lives and deal with such abandonment issues I am just not sure how I could do this to them.

The other change comes from the U.S. Embassy, and it will affect us no matter what. The Embassy is conducting a more thorough investigation on each and every child to ensure that the child is “adoptable.” There has been recent media allegations of misconduct in Ethiopian adoptions by a few agencies. Prior to this, families could expect to travel approximately 4-6 weeks after passing court. With this new situation it now can be up to a 10-12 WEEK WAITING PERIOD AFTER PASSING COURT.

Because I have recently been there and I am fully aware of the children’s situation, I don’t think this “investigation period” will take that long at all. Again, these rules are just in place to protect these children and the whole adoption process. Adoption is such a beautiful thing but Satan has obviously been at work wanting to corrupt the whole system and give it all such an ugly taste. These rules will hopefully take care of much of that.

As you can see we have been busy. Crazy busy with all of this, which is why I think I have been starting to feel a bit anxious at times. I am pretty much one that tells you exactly how I am feeling even if the feelings are not so glamorous so here it goes….

I start asking questions like…

What are we thinking?

Why would I want to mess with our “oh so perfect” little family?

There are a lot of other things I can think of doing with all the money that goes towards adoption not to mention the cost of raising 2 more children.

How are we going to pay for all of this?

I finally have all the children out of the house and the freedom during the day to do with what I want and this is going to majorly change that.

OR.. I can hardly handle the 4 I already have with all their laundry, activities and homework.. What am I thinking bringing two more into the picture….

What will other people think?

There’s more too.. Sleepless nights full of them…

And you know what .. Satan love those questions. He loves putting anxious thoughts and feelings of fear in our heads, and I really believe more than anything else he would love for us to back out of this all together.

When I almost feel like doing just that, I stop and I refocus. I take time and spend with GOD. And again everything becomes so clear to me. You see it is not what I was doing that was wrong.. because it is so RIGHT… it is not even that it was so time consuming and crazy but during this all consuming time .. I took my eyes off the main purpose... the One that was giving me the task at hand, the One who it is my goal to bring Glory to with all I do.

I think this was a perfect example of how easy it is for Satan to creep in and take your mind off your main purpose and goal in life. There is a saying we have within our youth group that is said a lot … “ IF SATAN CAN’T MAKE YOU BAD, HE WILL MAKE YOU BUSY.” Whatever it takes to lose focus Satan will be right there to take advantage of it. Even something so good like this adoption or maybe volunteering with CHURCH activities! WHOA… DID I SAY THAT? YEP, I did! So many times we are so busy “doing” even good that we forget about the whole RELATIONSHIP God is longing to have with us, and why we are doing the good in the first place. Maybe it is just my absent-mindedness that makes it so easy for me to get distracted even with things that are so good or starts out with the right focus in mind. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit can speak to us, even through those feelings of fear or anxiety, gently reminding us to re-focus and remember not just the task at hand or the gifts before me, but more importantly The One we do the tasks for… the GIFT GIVER Himself.

LEARNING PEACE ON THE ROLLERCOASTER!

2010-04-07T13:04:00.007-05:00

When I was younger I use to love them. The anticipation as you slowly creep to the top followed by the thrill and speed of the vertical drop was so awesome. Now that I am a bit older I can’t tolerate them as much due to the extreme motion sickness and nausea that follows for hours afterwards. Have to admit, I feel like I have been on a VICOUS NON-STOP ROLLERCOASTER RIDE the last few months.

I have been searching my heart and wondering if some of it has to do with me not being able to completely let go, surrender all to GOD and TRUST HIM completely.

If I really trusted that His Will is perfect and He knows what is best for us and that HE is in control, couldn’t I just totally let go and enjoy the ride just a bit more. I know I look back on the blog and read what I have previously written. It all is true and honest thoughts but STILL I let the emotions, anxiousness, worry and “motion sickness” creep in. As much as some want to make excuses and say we are human and anybody would feel the same way if they went through all of this. I’m not falling for that. Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." (LUKE 18:27) It is not impossible to completely let go and believe in whatever situation you are in GOD is in control and He knows what is best… that is when…

7The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will come into play and surpass everything else and will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

The problem is we think this “peace” is supposed to be automatic. We forget about the verses before hand that we are suppose to do to receive this peace…

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Or the verses afterwards…

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things (Philippians 4:6-8)

I have a tendency to get anxious about what is going to happen next. I want to know exactly what is going on and even plan it out. I guess I have a bit of a control issue. I need to have more FAITH and to realize I am NOT in control … BUT HE IS. Truthfully even though it is hard for me not to know the ending, I am thankful that God has brought us here and chose to use us in this manner... whatever that may be. When that really happens, when we truly come to grip with the TRUTH, this is when you start to just sit back and actually ENJOY the ROLLERCOASTER RIDE! Wheeeee!!!!

This whole thing reminded me of a movie I watched in a SocialWork class in college. Parenthood with Steve Martin…. HERE is one of the scenes…

Looking back on all my previous posts you can tell this is a constant battle within my head. There are times I want to GET OFF, at least this part of the RIDE! But I cannot give up, not until God clearly leads us down a different road (which he very well may do). Until then I will learn to WALK BY FAITH NOT BY SIGHT(IICORITHIANS 5:7). God never promised this journey to be easy, probably because there are so many lessons to learn along the way and over all the bumps.

Throughout scripture there is talk about orphans… the fatherless, the poverty stricken. But scripture also refers to US as once orphans. Not knowing OF our Heavenly father or being part of the Family of GOD. I keep thinking that when I was orphaned or even now when I am lost and go my own way.. God never gives up on me. He constantly is pursuing us… Like a shepherd who has lost one of his sheep, he would never think of going home for the night without finding it.

That’s how I feel right now. Until the doors before me are completely closed or until God clearly directs us in another direction… I feel I have no other choice but to persevere, to stand steadfast. (no matter how motion sick I may get from time to time).

THE BATTLE...

2010-03-26T02:04:00.001-05:00

The flesh says…

Things are not good; in fact they are pretty much a complete mess. They have not gone my way. It is not fair. I was trying to do good and be obedient to the call but maybe it was all wrong!

The spirit says…

Be still. Have peace. Things are just as He knew they would be. He grieves more than we do. He loves them more than we do. He is in control. All things will work out together for the good, even this. He has amazing plans for me… amazing and perfect… this is just a small part of the journey. Just wait and see what is around the corner!!!

This battle is a constant one that is being fought in my head…. But then as if I actually can hear the trumpets blow… I know without a doubt I HAVE ALREADY WON…

VICTORY IS MINE SAYS THE LORD!

THE BATTLE IS ALREADY OVER!

THOUGH MY HEART IS BROKEN RIGHT NOW.. I DO HAVE VICTORY !!

FOR YOU SEE….

This battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:11-13

SO What am I going to do…

I am going to get ready. I am going to armor up. I am going to plant my feet on solid ground and I will be able to withstand whatever Satan has next up his feeble wimpy sleeve. FOR VICTORY IS MINE! DEATH WHERE IS THOU STING????

Thank you, Jesus for winning the ultimate battle for us already so we can rejoice even in the hardest of times and the worst of days.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES...

2010-03-18T11:10:00.008-05:00

"Once our eyes are opened

we can't pretend we don't know what to do.

God, who weighs our hearts

and keeps our souls,

knows that we know and

holds us responsible to act."

Proverbs 24:12

So many times I have started to put all that is happening down on paper and I just could not figure out just how to explain everything, but I have decided I just need to do this… ONE because I want as many people praying for this situation as possible and TWO I think it is selfish of me not to allow others to be apart of this journey with us. It has been an amazing journey of growth, faith and relying on GOD.

The above verse explains a lot of what is going on in my heart right now but that is still just part of it.

What started out, as what I thought was God’s calling for me to be a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves, and starting an orphan care ministry of some sort has taken so many twists and turns in the last few months. I know that that calling it is still there but we are also open to wherever else He wants to lead us. This turned into a call for me to actually go to Africa, which turned out to not be at all what I thought it was going to be. I questioned God and His plan but grew tremendously in trust and faith. I know that not only did he have a plan but, His plan and will is actually really good, pleasing, in fact… perfect. I keep going back to the wise advice I got from a friend a few years ago as we were making some decisions in our lives. She said, “It is not about the destination, or final decision but more about the actual journey of getting there.” The word that keeps coming to my mind over and over again is SUBMISSION. If we say, “Here I am God use me!” We have to be ready for Him to use us in whatever way it is He wants to. We cannot say, “Here I am God use me in this neat and tidy ministry or way that I have planned out in my mind that will fit so perfectly into MY LIFE and MY PLANS.” God wants all of us. He wants full submission to Him. He wants us to realize that our sole purpose on this earth is for HIM, to bring Him glory. This life I am living, it is not my own.

Now, I cannot tell you that I know just how this particular journey is even going to end up, and I am really ok with that. We are on the journey that God has brought us on. I know He will lead us in the direction He wants us to go and in His timing, if we just continue to seek Him and His will above all else.

THE JOURNEY..

While looking into orphan care ministry and the possibility of getting involved with this particular ministry…IT HAPPENED. Two particular children caught our eyes and stole our hearts. I know it sounds weird but when I look at them, especially the oldest sibling there is something so familiar about her to me.

They are actually the two children that I spoke of in a previous blog, who I got to go out to the village and visit. You see, the problem right now is that the orphanage that they were with originally, has had some problems and is not licensed at this time. For some reason, some of the children where brought back to their villages until things could be sorted out. Which at the time seemed like a horrible thing, but now I can see God’s hand in it and this very situation allows them to be able to continue on the process of finding a forever family.

We did not know what the situation was going to be like with the orphanage and wanted to have as much in order on our part before I left on the trip. We expedited our home study and did as much as we could before leaving. Before going and even while there I kept trying to tell myself to keep the two things separate…the ministry and the adoption of these children, but they kind of go hand in hand also.

Going to visit them was an amazing experience but heart wrenching at the same time. Their conditions were not good at all. Previously they were living with a Grandma, who has since passed away. I so badly wanted to scoop them up and bring them home with me. I think the only thing that allowed me to leave them behind as I walked away was the thought that the license was going to come soon and they would not have to be there much longer. That was now 3 weeks ago. My heart aches.

Before I left I was able to give some money to one of the locals there to bring out some supplies for them. I received an email at the beginning of the week that he was able to bring them mattresses to sleep on along with a blanket, sheets, food and some vitamins...

But now last night I received another email wondering if I got the pictures he had sent and saying that he was really concerned about their health. I knew this already; due to when I saw them it was obvious they were not doing well. The photos I saw previously of her, her eyes were so bright and beautiful. They just sparkled. But now they seemed lifeless and tired. Malnutrition was an obvious problem, they were both just so skinny and her with a very extended abdomen.

THE ONE REASSURING THOUGHT in this situation is the very FACT that OUR Heavenly Father is in control. And I know, He loves those children even more than we do.

What NEXT?...

Please join me in PRAYER in giving it all over to the LORD and that whatever we do, or whatever happens we seek GOD and HIS WAYS and HIS WILL above everything else. Nothing else matters if God is not the center of it. We need to make sure we are doing this for His glory and the way that He directs us to go. IF that is being done, than what amazing PEACE we shall have that His good, pleasing and perfect WILL, will be done. HIS WILL BE DONE... NOT OURS!!!

I am thankful that God has brought us on this journey and I know he has directed us to these particular two children for a reason. But I also am fully aware that the two children also represent the millions… YES MILLIONS, of children out there in their same, or worse situations. Too many times we sit in our comfy homes and lifestyles and think there is nothing that we can do about it, which is just what Satan wants you to believe. Not everyone may be called to go to Africa, or drawn to any particular orphan, or called to adopt. But if you are a follower of Christ you are called to care for the orphans and widows of this world in some way.

Until God closes the doors and directs us another way I believe we are to be steadfast on the journey he has brought us on. The Government could issue the license to the original orphanage or the children could be brought to a different orphanage and adopted from there, which I know is being worked on right now. Please pray for protection and a healing touch particularly for these two little precious lives. Pray that if there is something more in the meantime we are to do that He directs us and opens those doors for that. And pray that we continue to learn and have complete submission and peace with whatever God has come to be.

THANK YOU ROCKPOINT !

2010-03-12T21:18:00.002-06:00

A special thank you for all the jr.high students and leaders at Rockpoint Church.

PLANE RIDE HOME - A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE??

2010-03-11T21:13:00.000-06:00

OK… so I am all for evangelism. We are called to go and spread the good news. But here is a perfect way on how NOT to go about it. Robb, the youth pastor at our church, speaks about being a “Jesus Freak” to the kids but he also says… there is a difference between a Jesus Freak and just a plain FREAK!!!!

The plane home was full. I was on the isle of the middle section. I had my head down on the tray table in front of me when all of a sudden I am awakened by a huge commotion around me. Some guy came running down the isle toward the back of the plane yelling …. “We are going to heaven today… Are you ready? Are you ready?” I actually looked up to his finger pointing directly at me yelling “Are you ready?” and an airline attended restraining him and bringing him up to the front.

We were just about to Rome at this time. When we landed in Rome the flight crew changed however the first crew must of said nothing to the crew coming on regarding our evangelist. There were some passengers on the plane trying to tell them what had happened and really not feeling comfortable continuing on the rest of the way with him with us. At one point one passenger got her bags and said “Either he gets off or I do.” They finally decided to remove him from the plane but it took awhile because he was not identifying his luggage. I have to admit I was a bit nervous that now he was off and safe and might of left some special gift behind.

The funny thing was that one of the new flight attendants came back and was rather upset with the passengers that were making the biggest racket about the whole thing. She said to them that … He was a good Christian guy. He even goes to a protestant church. He was sitting there reading his bible and he just had a religious experience.

Feb.26th 2009 - FINAL DAY

2010-03-11T21:10:00.001-06:00

By morning I was starting to feel a little better. M’s mother told me she had the same thing while in Soddo but did not want others to know…..

Wonder if it was something we ate??????

We had to go and verify our flights, M had a few meetings and then had to get an email off but other than that it was a recovery day and I longed to be home with my family. Our flight was a 10 pm. It was sad to me that I wanted to be home so much but yet hated to leave at the same time. I know I just needed time to process a bit, and I pray, if God willing, this would not be our last time in Ethiopia.

FEB. 25th 2009

2010-03-11T21:06:00.006-06:00

During that night I felt it coming on. The nausea and stomach cramps were no fun. We had leave at 5 am to head back to Addis Ababa, not because we were in a hurry to get there but we had to leave that early to beat when the cattle crossed the roads. I could totally see how that would be a problem and slow the drive up tremendously. I packed everything up before going to bed and I really did not sleep so I was ready to go when it was time. They let me sit in front. I dared not say anything or move to much the entire drive for I knew I was right on the edge of losing it. I am still amazed I was able to make it the whole way with how crazy the driving is. When we got to the hotel in Addis I checked in and then went right to the room. The maids were just leaving the room as I got there I tried to smile but I just went in and collapsed on the bed. Not even taking time to close the door behind me. I knew if it started to come it would probably not end for awhile. The sweet maids were so concerned for me and trying to help. They eventually went and got a manager who ordered me a sprite and brought me a bucket. As hard as I tried there was no holding back. I seriously hardly remember the next 24 hours. I knew the room had internet access and I wanted to reach Mike so badly but I hardly had enough strength to hold up my head.

A day at Achura Village

2010-03-11T17:53:00.001-06:00

FEB 24th, 2009

2010-03-11T17:52:00.014-06:00

Even though the entire trip is not what I had originally expected or would of planned I can still say that I can not think of a better place to spend my 40th BIRTHDAY!!! Yes, thats right .. I am 40. It is so hard for me to believe. I really do not feel that old at all. Actually, I do not mind being 40. I have been so blessed throughout my life. When I think of all I would want to accomplish or do I remind myself ... MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN!!! It really is not about me. I pray that God uses me as much as he wants and when He is done I am excited to spend the rest of eternity with Him. Anyways ... age is in the eye of the beholder and my eye beholds at least a 29 year old!!!

Today we headed out to another village. This one was very special to M due to it was where one of her sons were from. It was also one of the main reasons that her mother came on this trip . A visit to Achura was on her “bucket list” of things to do before she dies.

It was an amazing experience to be able to walk through the village and amongst the people. To really see how they live and be right there in the midst of them. It was a bumpy drive getting back to the village, which included a few U turns along the way as figured how just how to get there. And then came the walking... walking.... and more walking. Ms mother was not feeling well, but nothing was going to stop her from going. There were times that we left her sitting for awhile and in the end she turned around and met us back at the bus, but she did it. Check that one off the list for her!!!

M was busy visiting previous relatives that she knew of who previously placed children up for adoption or knew of the children placed. They were all over-joyed to receive updates and pictures. I was not really sure all that she was doing but I followed behind... sometimes just a bit too far behind.

The children were amazing and they multiplied every few feet. There were a few that knew some broken English.I tried to communicate with them a little. They would repeat what I would say, just like little parrots. They seemed so hungry to learn and so so so joyful. We started out with simple “HELLO… HOW ARE YOU? I AM FINE, THANK YOU! “ in which I sang and they repeated. But then this turned into "Jesus loves me." … Ending in... “For He is strong.” with a powerful grunt as we showed our muscles…. The kids would all burst out in laughter and cheers and say “Again, again.”

Walking in the heat…. Getting lost…. All while singing Jesus loves me over and over and over again … was really an amazing experience. I made sure I found B so he could tell the kids exactly what we were singing and how much joy they brought to me. At one point they tried to teach me a song. I really tried hard to repeat what they were saying. I so badly want to be able to learn their language and communicate with them but every time I tried they laughed AT ME … so hard. I really was trying too.

As I saw the bus at the end of the road I realized just how exhausted I was, I felt chills and new I needed to get some shade and something to drink quickly. The kids did not want to leave either. One last song and on the bus I went. As I drove away my heart was full but then I was saddened. I did not come here for my heart to be filled … I wish I could do more for them. I wish I was making a bigger difference in others lives.

That evening B asked me if I saw the difference between the two villages I was at. I tried hard to really think of what I saw at both. I guess, at Achura there were times we were walking thru their farms. I noticed that even though they did not seem finished it seemed someone had been working on waterways for them. There were little streams that I saw from time to time with what appeared like cement walls or sides. B said water was one of the main factors. He said that the first village that I had gone to, the one with the 2 children, was a very poor village and water was more difficult to get to.

I had to think about that for awhile though. A poor village? I think that it is just so easy to be overwhelmed at all that you are seeing. Although it is hard to compare the wealth when the variables are so close, they are such valuable variables that are so consequential to their very lives.

It was getting late and we did not have time to make it to the other village we wanted to get to. Instead we headed back to the orphanage to say our good-byes. It was fun to arrive there and see all the kids ready for bed in the pajamas we brought for them.

It was obvious it was a hard goodbye for M. She too wanted to accomplish more on this trip than what was done. As we said goodbye, G brought to my attention one of the boy’s eye and how red it was. It was not only read but goopy. I asked if it itched and the boy said yes. It was a obvious case of pink eye. I had just given the rest of my medical supplies to Dr. Mary, who was very thankful. In that supply I knew I brought some Gentamicin drops. As we looked around the boy sitting right next to him who was also his bunk-buddy also had a red itchy eye. By the end there were at least 3 or 4 of the children that were being affected by this. We drove to a few different pharmacies trying to find the right medication needed and finally B brought us too the Soddo Christian Hospitals pharmacy. He knew who was working there and they just let us in to look through their supply and find what we needed. It was so inexpensive so we bought quiet a few of them and gave instruction as to how to administer and prevent spreading. I would like to say.. I used my intensive nursing skills here but instead it was just my mothering experience with pink I that enabled me to be able to help them out.

FEB 23rd, 2010

2010-03-10T16:11:00.002-06:00

We finally got to spend sometime at the orphanage, which I was so excited about, but I still wish there would have been more. How can you meet any real needs, whether physical or emotional in just one day? I was only able to get a little insight into some of the needs that the individuals at that orphanage had. I again found myself drawn to the needs the workers had there just as much as any of the children. I spent a bit of time with the teacher D. Oh, she is such a sweetie.

She loves the children and it was obvious she was there out of God’s calling and as a ministry above anything else. She was originally located in the city of Addis and when they moved all the children to Soddo they asked if she would come with. This was a great sacrifice and change for her but she said she has learned and grown a lot. The Lord is good! She shared a lot of her heart with me that day. We stole whatever moment we had to pray together and read scripture to each other. They loved hearing me read in English the scripture they chose for me. At one point, Desta wanted to show me where she lived so we walked to her house. It was just a little bit down from the orphanage and where she was able to rent from a Christian woman. I pray the little time I had with her I was able to encourage her as much as she thanked and encouraged me for being there.

I was able to present the felt stories that I made for them in which all the children and adults seemed very enthralled and I also brought out the parachute that the Junior High Students and Leaders at our church raised money to purchase and send them. They children seemed to love it and it was so fun to see them laugh and play as they did. The balls were also a great hit. I noticed the nannies playing with the balls them self so I decided to start a volleyball game. It was so much fun to see the nannies laugh and enjoy themselves. I know I am repeating myself but again, they seemed like they were starving for love and attention just as much as the children are. How can they give what they need to the children if they themselves are feeling empty and in need? I did not leave all the medical supplies at the orphanage because I was not sure about how much they knew or understood how to use it. What I did leave I spent time with some of the Nannies instructing them on the proper use of them (all with Desta’s help in interpreting for me).

I don't know why I was surprised that the orphanage did not have running water. Here are the donkeys that they use to bring water to the orphanage

I loved having fun, making them laugh and enjoying each others company.

I wanted to remember this when I ever complain about all the laundry I have to do...

I hated that we had to leave when we did but I also was excited for the next stop. M wanted to go visit a Missionary Doctor who lived there. It was so amazing to visit and talk to Dr. Mary. She and her husband have lived there for 15 years. I guess if I visualized in my mind what a true medical missionary might live like and look like these two fit it perfectly.

Dr. Mary wanted to introduce M to an orphan boy they she was caring for. We followed her out the back door of her house and through her backyard and gardens and then through a locked fence covered in evergreen… something like you would imagine in the movie The Secret Garden. I felt like we were stepping in another world as we walked out of her garden to the backyard of the village. Right away the little boy appeared. Sweetest thing. M said it is quite hard to get the approval of Dr. Mary so all the kind words she had to say about him meant a lot.

Feb 22nd CONT.

2010-03-10T15:28:00.000-06:00

On the way back from seeing the kids the guys wanted to stop and talk to me a bit. We stopped at a café for something to drink. OH HOW I MISS ICE !!!!! Something Ice cold and refreshing would be so nice. I am so thankful for the opportunity to appreciate all we have at home. Back at home, our ice maker has been broken for a long time, but you know what, we not only can make ice in sweet little ice trays we get to stop at a store or gas station and buy a huge bag of ice cubes whenever we want. What a privilege that is!!!

B then took me for a walk through town. Again, he was stopped by many, in which they would greet with not only a handshake but also multiple hugs. I am not sure if they all wanted to stop and greet him like this just because he was with a Ferengie. I really think that is just their custom and that is how they greet all the time.

We went to the hospital and met with the Dentist friend of B’s. It was nice to talk to him about his work there and the needs that he might have. I again was very impressed with all the equipment they had. The hospital is such a nice set up and opportunity for the community to not only receive proper care but also a place for education and employment for many.

I have wanted to stop at a place with Internet for a while but when we finally got there things were so slow it was hard to send anything. I looked at some of my emails and sent one message to Mike but this in itself took forever. (HE NEVER RECEIVED THIS EMAIL).

When we arrived back at the hotel M had returned. The meeting did not go as planned but she seemed positive that they would meet again before she was to leave and get the info she has been waiting for.

M has the thought that when you are in a foreign country as a visitor you should live as the people there do, and eat like they do. I totally under where she is coming from in the sense of wanting to really be able to empathize with them or understand them, but I don’t think I agree with the whole concept. No matter how much we even attempted this we will never know and understand everything from just a short-term missions trip. Plus, we need to keep ourselves healthy in order to be able to help them by serving and meeting their needs, not to mention that our stomach flora is just different then theirs and we need to be very careful as to what we eat and how it would effect our stomachs.

I tried to explain this to M and her Mother but they both disagreed with me and it was not a battle that I needed to have. M was excited to take us out for authentic Ethiopian food. I tried to stay positive. I really did not have any other choice. Injera is what they eat there for almost every meal. It is sponge-like, grey-greenish, pancake-like, SOUR bread. If you said “sour bread” to me at home I would think it meant soft white bread. When I say sour in regards to Injera … I mean SOUR.

When serving it there is one piece layed our flat and then other pieces rolled up along the sides. Those are kind of your utensils. They then bring out different sauces, meats, or stew like dishes and dump them on various parts of the Injera. Everyone pretty much shares the dish and you eat with your fingers breaking off pieces of the rolled up injera and using that to scoop up the other sauces and meats with. I feel like I was a good sport and tried everything that was placed before me but I would not say that I found any love for the food.

FEB. 22nd, 2010

2010-03-07T23:02:00.003-06:00

I cannot even describe the kind of day I had today. Oh how I long to know how everything will turn out. I want to know God’s plan but I think that is what is one thing He is really trying to teach me. SUBMIT… TRUST… KNOW… that HIS PLAN (whatever that may be) is PERFECT. And not just the plan for our future, but His plan for today, this second, RIGHT NOW!!! If we can just give up the control someday and submit to that what amazing PEACE it would bring. Easy to say, not so easy to do sometimes!

I woke up this morning with a knock on my door. M’s mother and I had a pact to sleep as long as we could so I was confused who was at my door so early. It was B. He said he had thought about it and talked to others and decided it was best if I went with him to the village to see the children. The only thing was there was construction going on the road their and vehicles could not get through so we would have to go by motorbike. He said he would be back in 20 min. to get me.

OKAAYYY!!!!! My heart racing… I think I probably should have been more nervous. Was this safe? I am heading out of town on the back of a motorbike to I an area I have no clue where, in a foreign country, with no cell phone or communication to let anyone know what I was doing or where I was. I know I should have been concerned but for one there was no time to really think, and two there was this strange PEACE that it was all ok.

B pulled up with 2 motorbikes and drivers. I got on the back of the one as I asked the driver if he was the best out of the two. He nodded … but I am not really sure how much English he even spoke. As we took off and raced through town I was thinking, If my father could see me now he probably would kill me for not wearing a helmet but as I kept riding had time to think a little more about what I was doing and where I was at I realized the helmet was merely just part of the things I should be concerned of. Driving out of town and through the bumpy road where the construction was going on It was obvious that any larger of a vehicle would not be getting through at this time. It was funny to pass people and see them do a double take when I passed. It was obvious this too was a very unusual site. After what was at least a 40 min ride we pulled up to a set of buildings. At first I was completely unaware of what we were doing. I was directed in and asked to sit in a rather dark room. Looking around I realized that this was actually a home, of a fragile elderly looking man. He was sitting in front of me on what was actually his bed. He had nothing but a t-shirt on and a blanket wrapped around himself. It was obvious his health was not good. I really was not sure our purpose of being there at first. People were scurrying around and everyone chatting to each other with me the only one who was clueless what was being said or going on BUT THEN… I noticed

The sweetest little guy they were directing my way. “THIS IS I.” My heart dropped. It was so surreal that here I am actually seeing and touching the little one we had seen in pictures and prayed over as a family. He really did not want much to do with me and I was fine with that. I insisted that they not push or even continue to encourage him to come to me. I wanted them to know that we had come there just to check on the well-being of the children. It took sometime for D to get there but she eventually appeared through the crowded doorway. She looked so different from all the pictures we had previously seen. In fact they both did. The grandmother that was seen in earlier pictures had since passed away. I found out the elderly man before me was their Uncle. I had the opportunity visit and ask many questions. It was just an incredible opportunity and experience to be there. All the details and emotions I experienced today I can not even begin to explain or express but will treasure in my heart forever. When it was time to leave I was not even close to being ready. Only the hope and prayer that things would be working out at the orphanage soon and they would be able to return and be cared for and fed, as anyone deserves gave me the strength to leave them behind. Even more than that though, the vision, hope and prayer that these two would someday be able to find and placed in a family of their own, a place to belong, to love and to be loved unconditionally and forever gave a little peace with the situation... for NOW!

FEB. 21th, 2010

2010-03-06T21:38:00.003-06:00

OK.. I woke up this morning feeling confident that I was going to have a better attitude. You see, I know what advice I would give someone else in this situation. I give it to myself all the time. I read scripture. I feel renewed. I feel like I can hold on to these promises that He gives us BUT THEN… I constantly fail. I am constantly reminded just how weak I am.

We headed out in the morning for a beautiful walk to the site where, if everything falls into place, they would like to move the orphanage to. Along the way I enjoyed a humorous conversation with S. Thank God for laughter… So nice for the soul! And things seemed to go well. Seeing the city from another view was so good for me. It was nothing like the market experience but there was a peace that was felt for a moment. It was fun for me to see the site and try to visualize all the incredible things God could do with it. There was so much potential but it would take work and God has to make a lot of things fall in place before it could even start. But still there was a spark in my heart for that kind of ministry. I am not sure if it would be right there, with Kingdom Kids or even in Ethiopia, but the incredible calling, peace, nudging, joy, vision or whatever it is that I am feeling to be apart of something like that is undeniable. If it be God’s will to use me in this kind of fashion I would be so overjoyed and humbled. I took pictures...

took notes, wrote out my brainstorming ideas not that anyone else really was interested in anything that was on my heart at the time. I tried to ignore those selfish feelings and just enjoy being there in the first place. Why do I feel the need to be heard or share the visions I am so passionate about and why did no one really care to listen at the time? I really do not know the answer to either of the questions but I am trying to stay positive and just enjoy being able to be apart of things. God has a plan and a purpose to bring me here.. I am confident of that.

After that was done, we headed back to the hotel with a small stop in a local café for some scrambled eggs, which were red from some kind of spice but still good. I think we would probably call the place we stayed a motel. For it had approximately 10 rooms in the shape of a L that all opened to the outside or dirt court or driveway. We walked up and just gathered there. I knew they wanted to get together and talk about some things and I again I was just excited to hear and learn about the ministry. But as I sat M said they were going to have a meeting and asked me to leave. S was there and going to be apart of it and even talk to them a bit but M did not want me there. There was no place for me to go except to my little room for even if I sat outside my room it would seem like I was somewhere where I was not wanted. It was so awkward and uncomfortable. I felt sad and rejected. I literally spent at least 2 hours if not more in my room today. Oh and let me tell you did I have a battle going on in my soul and mind while there. WOULD GOD REALLY BRING ME ALL THE WAY TO AFRICA FOR ME TO SIT IN MY ROOM? WHY AM I HERE? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? I fought the TRUTH of GOD’s Plan being perfect and He being in control which questions and feelings of Doubt, confusion, rejection, pride, and whatever else I was boiling up. COME ON NOW… I said I was going to have a better attitude, right! I said I was going to release it all in His hands. But I seriously do not get this.

After the meetings I thought we would be able to do something more meaningful but that was not the case either. M., S. and G. were headed back to Addis for another government meeting and S. was flying home the next day. Part of me wanted to scream at S. and say how can you leave me here. And then I thought of maybe heading back to Addis and catching a plan to see my dear friends in Mekelle where ORE (Operation Rescue Ethiopia) was which was the most incredible run ministry. But I know GOD brought me here for a reason and I am going to stick it out!!!

M’s mother and I were staying in Soddo on our own. At first I thought of protesting a bit and saying I would like to go back with them but then I thought it might be kind of nice on our own here. D (from Addis) and B who was from that area were suppose to be with us while we were there. There was a ton of standing and waiting for the bus to come and get them but finally they were off.

“What would you like to do?” Did I hear them right? What would I like to do? Our first choice was to go to the orphanage but for some reason they seemed hesitant about that without Michelle with. I so badly wanted to go and spend time with the children and nannies but today was not suppose to be that day. “Well…. Do you know where the Soddo Christian Hospital is?, “ was my next question. And B replied with a definite YES. Little did I know how well B really meant what he said. We headed towards the hospital, M’s Mother, D, B and myself. As we walked through town we passed a familiar sight. One that I had seen many times on our previous trip and this trip alike, a ping pong table. They are really all over the place. Earlier I had talked to D about playing and he had mentioned what a great player he was back in his University days. So, when we passed one along the road and were not trying to hold to anyone else’s agenda the challenge was on.

It merely took one volley to know what I was up against. D was not joking about how good he was. The spins and tricks he was able to use were incredible. The way the crowd formed we probably provided a bit of entertainment for many. It was probably a very unusual sight to have a woman let alone a ferengie holding her own at the game. It was a battle.. he probably went a bit easy on me .. but in the end I lost. I tried to pull the whole “Its very rude to beat a woman in the US” but D was not falling for it. He boasted pretty big time. So I went to work at trying to find out from the guys who looked like that was there regular hang out who was considered the BEST player around. Everyone pointed to the same guy so I recruited him to play on my behalf and beat D. Everyone was laughing so hard when I cheered whenever D would lose. It was such a great stress releaser.

When we got to the hospital B told me that he previously worked there and it was obvious for every few feet he would be stopped by another familiar face or old friend. I was so impressed with the whole facility. So much nicer then any facility we saw while in Mekelle. B was going to introduce me to the Dentist but he was not in.

We then headed back to the hotel to clean up a bit before dinner. At dinner B said he has spoken to M about the 2 children I had expected to see at the orphanage. They were taken back to their village along with many other children due to the complications at the orphanage right now. I worried about them and all the loss and inconsistency they have faced already in life. I originally mentioned that I wanted to go see them and where they are living right now but B said that they had thought it would be better to get them and possibly bring them to town for a visit. I said that I did not want to disturb or confuse them for my sake but B reassured me that he was more concerned with their well-being than me in which I thanked him for that. He would evaluate things and do what is best.

As a family we have prayed for all the children of the orphanage and the trip. Learning about the ministry and God’s calling on my life in this area has always been the initiator and at the for-front of everything, but I have to admit along the way God has also placed a special interest and love for these two particular children on our family’s hearts. So originally NOT seeing them was a huge blow. I really do want what is best for them and I am praying that God directs if I am suppose to see them although just thinking about it makes my heart race a bit more than I ever thought it would!!