3wks HOME - Attachment & Bonding Update

I have thought of starting this note so many times and there are so many reasons why this one is so difficult. First of all ...TIME - basically there is none! ... at least extra time to sit down and really try and articulate all that has happened. Second reason is because I think I am afraid if I share the reality of the situation, I fear that someone may just focus on the stressors and I will not be able to properly articulate the amazing blessings that far overshadow any stressors along the way. But, I so badly want to try and document, remember and share this amazing time.

The kids really are amazing. Just looking at them can melt my heart... well most of the time. I don't think you have to be particularly an adoptive parent to understand the adjustment that is going on right now having 2 preschoolers around the house again. I was pretty prepared for these adjustments that were going to have to take place but it really does not make it that much easier. Time for myself is out the door and some days I am barely staying a float. The Lord continues to teach me SELFLESSNESS, PERSEVERANCE, AND to fight off any type of LAZINESS, and for this I am thankful! Remember the days that having a second to go to the bathroom alone and in peace was a treat!

I am so thankful for the older kids in the house and am trying to balance taking advantage of their love and ability to watch the kids and wanting to make the most of this transitional BONDING period. So far the BONDING and ATTACHMENT has really been going well as far as I know or feel. Before we left for Ethiopia we sent out a letter regarding some of the issues of attachment and bonding and what our friends and family may be able to expect or how they can help with this issue. We mentioned things like for the first weeks/months we may be pretty secluded, and when we did venture out we requested that friends and family not pick up, hold or meet any of the children's needs if they do seek them for such things but rather redirect them to us.

While we were in Ethiopia and shortly after our return we went through a period of time that we, or at least I, felt like the bonding was going so well that I questioned all the need for the rules. They did seek us for all their needs and would return to us if they got hurt or wanted anything. The love and affection that we shared with each other was so apparent. The problem was they shared that with most anyone they came into contact with. Even though these people were our closest friends and relatives there still was something that we questioned about it. We spoke with one social worker, sharing our concerns, but also explaining how we felt like this was so cultural for them. Ethiopian people are so loving and affectionate to each other we wondered if this was just normal. The one social worker thought we had nothing to be concerned about unless they started rejecting us or seeking others over us to meet any of their needs. But something still did not feel completely "right".

Last friday we spent the entire morning with the children at the University of MN Specialty Adoption Clinic. We had already brought them to our general pediatrician who we adore but we are also so thankful that we made the extra effort to go the this clinic as well. It was so amazing watching how they interacted with the kids. It was obvious they knew what they were doing. I am telling you, my kids are hard to resist! Just imagine the cutest little boy not only batting his long eyelashes at you but then puckering those big adorable pouty lips and offering you kisses if not on your check he will kiss her hand. While I know it was not easy, they did so well resisting his little love poisons. They did not pick him up, and even redirected him to me. "Your mama's right there. There's your mama." I seriously was so impressed and learned so much. What was even more amazing was how it seemed to put them at ease a bit.

Later last weekend we adventured out to a larger social outing. We were not sure if we were going to be able to do this and were prepared to leave as soon as things seemed tense. It was not a small event either. Since graduating from College this particular group of girlfriends have gotten together once a month, with husbands joining us for a party at christmas and the entire families together once a summer for a pool party. Not everyone was able to be there but still no small gathering. Before going we emailed everyone asking that they completely ignore the kids. Again, really this is no easy task but I was so impressed on how well everyone did. We held the kids initially and visited with people not paying any attention to them. This is where them not speaking English did come in handy for we could talk as much as we wanted about them without them knowing. I again was so amazed at how at ease they seemed to be compared to times when less people would visit, obviously to see them and talk to them. My understanding is when children are institutionalized they get attention and positive feedback by being cute, friendly, flirty with the caregivers. They were use to doing this to just about anyone they would come in contact with. Dr. Howard had asked for me to try and identify the number of transitions they had gone through in their lives. SEVEN was what I came up with (including us). Each of these transitions and places they had different caregivers who they had to be cute or loving too in order to get what they wanted and obviously never really bonding with any of them. I noticed that when people would come over to the house it seemed like Zoeyahna would feel like she had to perform for them and would get a bit hyperactive. I now think that this was all anxiety related. It again was amazing to me to see what ease the kids were at when everyone, except us of course, seemed to just ignore them at the party and not put them on the spot. We even were able to let them go for a bit and play in the pool with our older children while we visited with our friends poolside.

(The offspring of all of our college friends...12 couples=39 children,

though they weren't quite all there)

How long do we keep this up? I am not sure! I have heard 6 months is ideal which seems like quite awhile to me. But think about it... If I just had a baby I would at least take a 3 month leave of absence not wanting to leave that baby's side for that period of time. I nursed most of my birth-children so much longer than that even. These precious children at least deserve that and even more to formulate the bonding and attachment we both have missed out on with each other!!!! Hopefully the entire 6 months I will not be longing for my quiet little private moment in the bathroom but I will try and treasure this time of bonding.

My mother retells the story of when she had just had my youngest sister and she was standing there at the top of the driveway holding her as she sent my brother (the next youngest child) off to kindergarten. She recalls thinking "What was I thinking? I almost could of been free!" And now, summer is coming to an end and the kids are getting ready to go back to school. I do think of all the other things I could be preparing to do with my time but nothing could ever have as much value or purpose than loving and caring for these two precious children of GOD's. I continue to be so thankful for the opportunity to be used by God in such a way.

Oh boy.. this post got long.. and I feel I have not even begun to touch on all that has happened in the last 3 weeks. Hopefully I will find time again soon to write more!!!!

6

Yeah , Thats right we are on SIX! SIX more days…

Actually, THE NUMBER SIX is pretty significant. Do you realize that in SIX more days there is a pretty good possibility that I could be a parent to SIX children? 6 !!!! WOW! What an amazing blessing! One of the main comments I get when people find out we are adopting is ... WOW, Aren’t those children so lucky to be adopted into your family OR they are such lucky kids? But truthfully … WE ARE THE ONES THAT ARE THE LUCKY ONES? We are so amazingly blessed that God chose us to open our eyes and bring us on this journey. I think the impact that this journey has or will have on our family cannot even compare. I read about an interview with another adoptive family in Lakeville who actually go to church with my mom. It was part of something else that was posted on the Christian Alliance Blog but I loved what they had to say because it sums up exactly how I feel…

…The couple already had five children, the youngest ten, and had been anticipating the freedom of an empty nest. But on a mission trip to Africa, a concern for orphans budded into a sense of calling to adoption. A year and a half ago, they adopted two boys from Uganda, 3-year-old Phillip and 4-year-old Zachary.

Lisa Harding expresses what I’ve heard from so many adoptive parents in recent years: that the desire God stirred in them to care for orphans has most definitely not reached its completion in the adoption. Rather, they see adoption as one part of a life-long call to live out James 1:27. Speaking of their plans to attend Summit, Lisa expressed, “I’m excited about refueling what’s already a passion in us because this is not a period at the end of a sentence now that Philip and Zachary are in our house. Now, it’s what’s next?”

Just as significant, Harding’s words at the end of the interview capture the power of God’s intent in adoption and orphan care. It isn’t just about rescuing orphans; it is about rescuing self-absorbed Christian adults as well. Caring for orphans is a journey of root-level discipleship, because love for orphans transforms. As Lisa Harding concluded, “People have said, ‘Oh, aren’t they lucky, you rescued them from whatever. And I think, Are you kidding? I’m the lucky one. I get to be their mom. And I get to be daily rescued from my selfishness, and my impatience, and things that are just as disease-ridden in my soul.”

OH LORD, THANK YOU FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY AHEAD OF US !!! WOW, IN JUST SIX MORE DAYS …. I GET TO BE THE MOM OF TWO MORE PRECIOUS LIVES THAT GOD CREATED AND LOVES!!!!

Thank you JESUS! Thank you Thank you Lord!!!

COURT DATE -JUNE 10th

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:19-21

Shortly after posting the last post I checked my email and there is was! The Court Date - JUNE 10th! Can you believe it? Forget trying to GUESS-timate... God has a plan and it is better than we could ever ask or imagine. His plan is perfect. In good times .. LIKE THIS!!! And what we think are the worst of times. His ways are so much better than my ways!!

Not to put a damper on the celebration here but I just have to tell you where my heart is today. I have been following a blog for the last month of an incredible family who adopted the sweetest little 3 year old girl (now 4) from Serbia in Oct of 2009. They knew adopting her that she had a severe congenital heart defect but also was very confident that God was calling to proceed with the adoption and that He was going to use her life to reach many. The incredible faith that they had that God would heal her was amazing and This is exactly what HE did... In HIS WAYS NOT OURS! Chrissie had open heart surgery in San Antonio on April 19th and NOW today Chrissie went to be with the LORD! If anyone has some time on their hands to read an incredible journey of faith and love this is where you can find...

Not sure why this all brought me back to the loss of my father. I think because it was during that time that maybe I first really came to the true understanding, submission and faith in God's sovereignty. It was when I completely had a "GOT IT" moment as to HIS WAYS ARE BETTER THAN MY WAYS and HIS THOUGHTS ARE BETTER THAN MY THOUGHTS... and I praise God for the opportunity to learn this lesson.

Chrissie's life did not end at all like her family was thinking it would, but her testimony will go on forever. I can guarantee that the number of people that have have been touched and will be touched, when they hear this testimony is....

"immeasurably more than all that could of been asked or imagined, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Update, Feelings, and Why ?

UPDATE:
No new adoption update YET... We continue to prayerfully and patiently wait for news on a court date. I would like to be able to tell you I am trying not to over think it right now by trying to guess on when we should hear something but this is not exactly true. I have searched blog after blog, read so many websites, did the math myself over and over again to try and guess-timate when we should hear something, what the court date would be and then when we would be able to travel and bring them HOME. I know that I shouldn't be doing this.. it may only lead to discouragement .. but HOW CAN I NOT? So....
The guess-timation ( FOR NOW ) is ... We are hoping to be given a court date by the end of THIS WEEK!!!!

FEELINGS:
People ask me, "Are you so excited?" I wonder, "Do they want the quick simple answer or the real "whats going on in Amy's head" answer?"
Quick answer... SO EXCITED! Hard for me to concentrate or think of anything else!
But here is just a little bit more of what really is going on in my head... Such mixed feelings..

Excited - Yes!

Nervous - completely!

A bit Anxious and even a little sad - totally!

Sad ? Does that sound like a weird one... but it is true... there is part of me that is mourning a little... mourning that the incredible thing we have going right now will be changed and never be the same. Sad that my baby (who actually is 8 yrs old) will no longer be the baby of the house. Sad that I won't have as much time to spend with the other kids, my husband or for myself. And that is just part of it...

So then someone may ask .. "WHY DO THIS THEN?"
Ohhhhhh.... and do I have so many answers for this which will have to be a separate blog of its own.. for now though, I want to share with you this video...

Peter Eide was at the Summit Conference that Mike and I went to a few weeks back.
Loved his testimony and then when he led us in worship... This is one of the songs he sang.. during it he paused a bit and said.. "Now imagine as I sing this next part, this is Jesus answering US after we asked him.. WHY? WHY ME? Why did You choose me? Why did You adopt me? "

Ephesians 1:4-6

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

BIG NEWS, NEW RULES, AND GENTLE REMINDERS TO STAY FOCUSED

I have been hesitant to write for a while for I have not known if what I say today will be completely different tomorrow. I am so happy to say that the more things move along now I feel the situation stabilizing a bit… so why were my emotions starting to go crazy.

I think I know why… But first let me catch you up…

Things around here have been busy. CRAZY BUSY! It was brought to our attention that the children were brought to a new orphanage. This orphanage was really new and not yet connected with any adoption agencies. We did not know if or how we were going to be able to proceed with the adoption. Finally, we received word that they found an agency to partner with them and GET THIS … The agency is based out of Minneapolis, MN., just a mere 20-25mins from our house.

Within the last few weeks we have filled out the application, had initial meetings, and interviews and have completed the entire Dossier. (A WHOLE LOT OF PAPERWORK, including the HOME-STUDY, POLICE CLEARANCE, MARRIAGE AND BIRTH CERTIFICATES, REFERRENCES AND MEDICAL RECORDS) As I type right now the Dossier is probably in Washington DC getting authenticated (whatever that means) and then should be in Ethiopia by the end of this week/early next week. Some people in the “adoption world” may refer to this as “paper pregnant” or the DTE stage (DOSSIER TO ETHIOPIA). Whatever it is, once the dossier gets to Ethiopia it will be translated and matched with the children’s documents and presented to court requesting a court date. We are hoping that they will be able to request a court date before the deadline of the NEW TRAVEL TWICE rule going into affect (May 9^th -I think).

Just within the last month or so, there have been big changes made in the Ethiopian Government regarding adoptions. Here are the NEW RULES that may be affecting us…

"Families need to be prepared to travel Approximately 4 - 8 weeks after receiving a referral to be present in Ethiopia for their appointed court date. Families will remain in Ethiopia for roughly 5-7 days and will then return to the United States after officially passing court. Families will then travel back to Ethiopia approximately 10 -12 weeks later to pick up their adopted child(ren)."

At this time, we can just sign over power of attorney over to a representative from our agency that will speak on our behalf at the court hearing. Many times it seems to take multiple attempts to pass court but as soon as court is passed the children legally become “LINDAHLS”!!! Then we just need to wait for the Embassy appointment at which time we will fly there, get their visas and bring them home.

Again, I completely understand the reasoning behind these new rules. From what I have heard, there have been quite a few cases where families have passed court, and then decided that the child that they had already legally adopted is not right for their family for some reason or another…or something happens that they never end up getting the child. Ethiopian adoptions are not reversible, and it is difficult for that child to ever have another chance to be adopted. These new rules will protect the families and the children. This is how adoptions work in Eastern Europe. The unfortunate part of this new rule, and the reason we so badly want to bypass it is…

• · It adds $5000plus to the already overwhelming cost of the adoption.
• · It requires two very long trips in a relatively short time period – which can be very difficult for child care for some families along with twice the time off of work for Mike.
• · One of the biggest issues I have with this rule is …Adoptive parents will meet their child,, hopefully start a bond with the child, and then have to leave him or her behind for months. For most of these children they already had so many people come and go from their lives and deal with such abandonment issues I am just not sure how I could do this to them.

The other change comes from the U.S. Embassy, and it will affect us no matter what. The Embassy is conducting a more thorough investigation on each and every child to ensure that the child is “adoptable.” There has been recent media allegations of misconduct in Ethiopian adoptions by a few agencies. Prior to this, families could expect to travel approximately 4-6 weeks after passing court. With this new situation it now can be up to a 10-12 WEEK WAITING PERIOD AFTER PASSING COURT.

Because I have recently been there and I am fully aware of the children’s situation, I don’t think this “investigation period” will take that long at all. Again, these rules are just in place to protect these children and the whole adoption process. Adoption is such a beautiful thing but Satan has obviously been at work wanting to corrupt the whole system and give it all such an ugly taste. These rules will hopefully take care of much of that.

As you can see we have been busy. Crazy busy with all of this, which is why I think I have been starting to feel a bit anxious at times. I am pretty much one that tells you exactly how I am feeling even if the feelings are not so glamorous so here it goes….

I start asking questions like…

What are we thinking?

Why would I want to mess with our “oh so perfect” little family?

There are a lot of other things I can think of doing with all the money that goes towards adoption not to mention the cost of raising 2 more children.

How are we going to pay for all of this?

I finally have all the children out of the house and the freedom during the day to do with what I want and this is going to majorly change that.

OR.. I can hardly handle the 4 I already have with all their laundry, activities and homework.. What am I thinking bringing two more into the picture….

What will other people think?

There’s more too.. Sleepless nights full of them…

And you know what .. Satan love those questions. He loves putting anxious thoughts and feelings of fear in our heads, and I really believe more than anything else he would love for us to back out of this all together.

When I almost feel like doing just that, I stop and I refocus. I take time and spend with GOD. And again everything becomes so clear to me. You see it is not what I was doing that was wrong.. because it is so RIGHT… it is not even that it was so time consuming and crazy but during this all consuming time .. I took my eyes off the main purpose... the One that was giving me the task at hand, the One who it is my goal to bring Glory to with all I do.

I think this was a perfect example of how easy it is for Satan to creep in and take your mind off your main purpose and goal in life. There is a saying we have within our youth group that is said a lot … “ IF SATAN CAN’T MAKE YOU BAD, HE WILL MAKE YOU BUSY.” Whatever it takes to lose focus Satan will be right there to take advantage of it. Even something so good like this adoption or maybe volunteering with CHURCH activities! WHOA… DID I SAY THAT? YEP, I did! So many times we are so busy “doing” even good that we forget about the whole RELATIONSHIP God is longing to have with us, and why we are doing the good in the first place. Maybe it is just my absent-mindedness that makes it so easy for me to get distracted even with things that are so good or starts out with the right focus in mind. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit can speak to us, even through those feelings of fear or anxiety, gently reminding us to re-focus and remember not just the task at hand or the gifts before me, but more importantly The One we do the tasks for… the GIFT GIVER Himself.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES...

"Once our eyes are opened

we can't pretend we don't know what to do.

God, who weighs our hearts

and keeps our souls,

knows that we know and

holds us responsible to act."

Proverbs 24:12

So many times I have started to put all that is happening down on paper and I just could not figure out just how to explain everything, but I have decided I just need to do this… ONE because I want as many people praying for this situation as possible and TWO I think it is selfish of me not to allow others to be apart of this journey with us. It has been an amazing journey of growth, faith and relying on GOD.

The above verse explains a lot of what is going on in my heart right now but that is still just part of it.

What started out, as what I thought was God’s calling for me to be a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves, and starting an orphan care ministry of some sort has taken so many twists and turns in the last few months. I know that that calling it is still there but we are also open to wherever else He wants to lead us. This turned into a call for me to actually go to Africa, which turned out to not be at all what I thought it was going to be. I questioned God and His plan but grew tremendously in trust and faith. I know that not only did he have a plan but, His plan and will is actually really good, pleasing, in fact… perfect. I keep going back to the wise advice I got from a friend a few years ago as we were making some decisions in our lives. She said, “It is not about the destination, or final decision but more about the actual journey of getting there.” The word that keeps coming to my mind over and over again is SUBMISSION. If we say, “Here I am God use me!” We have to be ready for Him to use us in whatever way it is He wants to. We cannot say, “Here I am God use me in this neat and tidy ministry or way that I have planned out in my mind that will fit so perfectly into MY LIFE and MY PLANS.” God wants all of us. He wants full submission to Him. He wants us to realize that our sole purpose on this earth is for HIM, to bring Him glory. This life I am living, it is not my own.

Now, I cannot tell you that I know just how this particular journey is even going to end up, and I am really ok with that. We are on the journey that God has brought us on. I know He will lead us in the direction He wants us to go and in His timing, if we just continue to seek Him and His will above all else.

THE JOURNEY..

While looking into orphan care ministry and the possibility of getting involved with this particular ministry…IT HAPPENED. Two particular children caught our eyes and stole our hearts. I know it sounds weird but when I look at them, especially the oldest sibling there is something so familiar about her to me.

They are actually the two children that I spoke of in a previous blog, who I got to go out to the village and visit. You see, the problem right now is that the orphanage that they were with originally, has had some problems and is not licensed at this time. For some reason, some of the children where brought back to their villages until things could be sorted out. Which at the time seemed like a horrible thing, but now I can see God’s hand in it and this very situation allows them to be able to continue on the process of finding a forever family.

We did not know what the situation was going to be like with the orphanage and wanted to have as much in order on our part before I left on the trip. We expedited our home study and did as much as we could before leaving. Before going and even while there I kept trying to tell myself to keep the two things separate…the ministry and the adoption of these children, but they kind of go hand in hand also.

Going to visit them was an amazing experience but heart wrenching at the same time. Their conditions were not good at all. Previously they were living with a Grandma, who has since passed away. I so badly wanted to scoop them up and bring them home with me. I think the only thing that allowed me to leave them behind as I walked away was the thought that the license was going to come soon and they would not have to be there much longer. That was now 3 weeks ago. My heart aches.

Before I left I was able to give some money to one of the locals there to bring out some supplies for them. I received an email at the beginning of the week that he was able to bring them mattresses to sleep on along with a blanket, sheets, food and some vitamins...

But now last night I received another email wondering if I got the pictures he had sent and saying that he was really concerned about their health. I knew this already; due to when I saw them it was obvious they were not doing well. The photos I saw previously of her, her eyes were so bright and beautiful. They just sparkled. But now they seemed lifeless and tired. Malnutrition was an obvious problem, they were both just so skinny and her with a very extended abdomen.

THE ONE REASSURING THOUGHT in this situation is the very FACT that OUR Heavenly Father is in control. And I know, He loves those children even more than we do.

What NEXT?...

Please join me in PRAYER in giving it all over to the LORD and that whatever we do, or whatever happens we seek GOD and HIS WAYS and HIS WILL above everything else. Nothing else matters if God is not the center of it. We need to make sure we are doing this for His glory and the way that He directs us to go. IF that is being done, than what amazing PEACE we shall have that His good, pleasing and perfect WILL, will be done. HIS WILL BE DONE... NOT OURS!!!

I am thankful that God has brought us on this journey and I know he has directed us to these particular two children for a reason. But I also am fully aware that the two children also represent the millions… YES MILLIONS, of children out there in their same, or worse situations. Too many times we sit in our comfy homes and lifestyles and think there is nothing that we can do about it, which is just what Satan wants you to believe. Not everyone may be called to go to Africa, or drawn to any particular orphan, or called to adopt. But if you are a follower of Christ you are called to care for the orphans and widows of this world in some way.

Until God closes the doors and directs us another way I believe we are to be steadfast on the journey he has brought us on. The Government could issue the license to the original orphanage or the children could be brought to a different orphanage and adopted from there, which I know is being worked on right now. Please pray for protection and a healing touch particularly for these two little precious lives. Pray that if there is something more in the meantime we are to do that He directs us and opens those doors for that. And pray that we continue to learn and have complete submission and peace with whatever God has come to be.