HAITI - WHY?

One cannot experience a day like today without having the question “WHY?” go through your mind at at least some point? Why them and not us? Why are we blessed with so much and they suffer so greatly? Why don’t we as a country, church, people do more to help?

Tonight we gathered as a group and pondered some of those questions together. One thought was…. Maybe it’s really not about their poverty at all. Maybe it is more about OUR hearts… OUR abundance… and this is God’s way of (for lack of better word) testing us.

Just think how time on earth is really just a twinkling of an eye compared to the eternity we get to spend in heaven with the Lord. There are a number of different places throughout the bible where it talks about “those who are last who will be first, and the first who will be last.”(Luke 13:30) Maybe these people… “The least of these” Matthew 25 are actually so much richer than us… rich in faith and rich for these are the people that may just be a little quicker, a little closer or just "the first" that is spoken of.

Mike always talks about delayed gratification… Working hard now for something better later.Some, in the US, think of retirement as their delayed gratification. But really, the biggest retirement party I can ever imagine is the one we get to celebrate in heaven.

I am totally just babbling a whole mix of thoughts that are going on in my head and heart right now but that is kind of how I am feeling at the moment… I think it may take some time to really process all that is going on.

It was brought up over Christmas in a discussion with my brother, about just how far one can go with the giving and sacrifice. Are we all to live on a shack on the side of the road and give everything we have? I don’t know the answer to this. Maybe we are not supposed to know. I think God works in everyone’s heart and lives differently and at different times…. but I do believe we all should wrestle with this question though. I do know this.. “Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for ME will find it.” (Matt. 16:24&25)

“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.
 As much as is given as much we are responsible for (Luke 12:48).” OH boy does everyone in the U.S. have a lot of responsibility. At one of the stops today I met a little bit older boy, probably a teenager of some sort. He was different then the rest.. he spoke incredible English that he said he taught himself and he said he could read and write also. He was dressed nicer than those around him and he said he has worked from time to time helping at the Cholera treatment center. I told him that God has blessed him greatly with such a gift and that with that gift I pray that he continues to use it to help others and for God’s glory. Oh and he agreed and said he thanks God very much for giving him the abilities he has. My words stung as soon as they came out of my mouth though. How many gifts has He blessed me with? Am I using them all for His glory? Who was I to be saying that to this young man?

Amy Lindahl

Healing Haiti Team Member

January 2010

Here we are .... send us!!!!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 9, 2011

HERE WE ARE ... SEND US!!!!!

Whew... What a whirlwind this week has been! At this time last week none of us knew what an adventure God was planning for us. We are so sad for the tragic loss the team that was planning on going has experienced thus causing them to have to reschedule but also feel so blessed for the opportunity that has come to us.

One week ago today I sat next to Julie Sexson at Rockpoint church (even that was not a coincidence). After service we stood there for sometime sharing our heart for Haiti and I expressing how I was not sure when an opportunity would come for me to be able to visit. I mentioned how I felt like maybe I could find some way to be involved locally but really not sure what that would be.

Monday morning I woke up ... still thinking of Haiti and I wrote the Mission Team sharing my heart a bit then that night Mike told me that some guys from his Bible Study were getting together for Appetizers. I was asleep by the time he was home but the next day he called me from work and told me that Jeff was there and mentioned how he was not sure how he felt about going to Haiti alone the first time since he has lost his incredible partner, and wife Alyn. Mike asked if I would want to go. I whole-heartedly said YES but at that time I honestly never thought it was at all possible to pull everything together in such a short period. Guess the verse “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matt 19:26) slipped my mind at the time. .. oh God must have been laughing.

One phone call to my mom and the reality of the trip actually happening started to sink in.There is no one I would feel more comfortable with or who would be as capable to come live at the house and love on my family for the week, but I still needed to find someone who was as crazy as me to drop everything and fly to Haiti with less than a weeks notice.Little did I know God had been working in the heart of my dear friend, Mary Ericksen, long before the actual invite came. I first called Becky Nelson, who could not go herself but then said, “I know who wants to go. We just have to call and let her know she wants to.”Becky immediately hung up the phone and called her…. I am sure Mary will share what was going on in her heart at the time… bottom line is, she said YES!

We met with Jeff for lunch on Friday. Saturday our tickets were purchased and we are leaving bright and early Monday morning for Haiti!

OH wait, there is more… I sent a text out to a few of my family members saying I was going on the trip and wondering if there was anyone who wanted to go with me. My niece Alana texted back within seconds …. YES, PLEASE!!!! Alana is the sweetest girl and I know God is going to break her heart on this trip for what breaks His. She is on her winter break right now and it was the perfect timing for her.

Now reading this you would think we were nuts…. going without preparation and thought, the 3 of us headed to Haiti with Jeff, but I have to share with you… I truly believe God has been preparing each of us for this trip for sometime now…. Which is a huge lesson in itself!!! How so many times we have no clue what God is doing …. Is He there? Active?But HE always is… He knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11)(EVEN IF HE DOES NOT TELL US TILL THE WEEK OF) . Can’t wait for Mary to share all that has been going on in her life lately and what she has been studying. God knows what we need just when we need it. Are you ready? It may not always be a call to jump on a plane and fly to Haiti but man, I love it when He makes something like this happen when we are willing and obedient to say YES GOD!

There is a blog that I read not so long ago that I just love and would like to share…..

http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/2010/12/nets.html

So now we are “AT ONCE” throwing down our nets and going…. SO excited to put the next foot in front of the other and see what God has planned for us…. How He will use us, and what is He going to do with our hearts on this trip.

Thank you Lord, Thank you Mike, and Mom, and to all my children who are willing to sacrifice their comfort a bit and give up their mom for a week.

THE LORD IS GOOD!!!

-AMY

Dissonance... or NOT??? CHRISTMAS '10

Definition of DISSONANCE 1a : lack of agreement; especially : inconsistency between the beliefs one holds or between one's actions and one's beliefs — compare cognitive dissonance

I know I have not written for a while. Not sure how many people will still read this. To be honest as much as I want to share with others what is on my heart this is a place mostly for me to process my thought and feelings. This one is probably going to be one of the more personal and vulnerable blogs I have shared.

Obviously life has been so busy around here. I have not had the time nor energy to write or think most days. Things are going quite well and we are very blessed. Hopefully I will find time soon to share more about all of that. For now though, this is much more important I feel. What? More important than “caring for the fatherless”? YES!!! I do believe it is.

This time of year I find myself in such a dissonance.. more thanever ! Sometimes I wish I could just shut my feelings off, stop being such a deep thinker, analyzing things so much. I wish I could just lollygag thru life in oblivious blissfulness but my mind and heart won’t let me go there. Maybe this year more than ever because of all we have been through the last few months. Maybe it is because my eyes have seen and heart has been more open to the world beyond us. Do I want to live in “depraved indifference”? YES .. kind of .. a little.. to be honest! But then again…“Once our eyes are opened, we can’t pretend we don’t know. God who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know and holds us responsible to act.” Proverbs 24:12

Here is what I am talking about and where the DISSONANCE comes into play.

I have always LOVED CHRISTMAS! I love this time of year! My sister and I were just talking about what an incredible childhood we had. Seriously, I still believe we had/have one of the best celebrations around as a family. We start out, as soon as we enter the house (my childhood home now where my brother and his family live) we all go to our rooms where the red plaid pjs are laid out for us. The entire time we are together as a family we are wearing these matching pajamas. A tradition started years ago when I was young. We even have a few extra for any visitors that may join us.

There is always so much to eat but everyone really loves just being together more than anything. As the evening comes we gather in the living room and gifts are exchanged. Here is where my father always went overboard (ohhhh in an incredible way! ) He loved to give. Have to admit getting those big surprises and gifts were always so fun. After a bit, someone would say “how about we start to sing Christmas carols” followed by a wink to all in-tuned. Hilgenbergs are not known for their musical talents but for some reason it makes it all the more fun. Eventually it would come.. the sounds of the bells are heard and the air tenses with excitement as we hear the HO HO HO and Santa makes the special visit first to our house before starting the rest of his travels. Santa calls each of the kids by name and gives them one gift each as they sit on his lap for the photo shoot. He sings one carol with us, gives a strict warning to the little ones to go to bed right when the parents tell them to and off they go. Now this next part may sound so absurd but I think it is one of the favorites of all. When Santa leaves all the kids rush to the windows. Dad was the initiator when he was with us but the older grandkids seem to fill his footsteps quit well. They watch so intently for it to happen .. they wait .. wait… and then one of the older ones start out.. “THERE IT IS!!! THERE HE GOES!!! I SEE IT” It is a pandemonium uproar of either “I see it .. I see it.” Or tears of “Where ? I didn’t see it again?” As they look for Rudolf’s nose as Santa flys away.

The rest of the evening is spent tucking all the kids in to there slumber party sleeping arrangements and putting a Christmas movie of some sort on for them as the adults stay up late eating, talking and hopefully getting some type of board game in.

Christmas morning it does not slow down. As the kids gather on the step for our morning picture…

One child is chosen (usually the oldest) to come down announce “Christmas 2010.” For all the video cameras running and the rest of the kids follow running to their designated family areas where they find their Christmas surprises. Just when things calm down and the kids have opened their presents and shared with each of the cousins what they got the announcement for “STOCKINGS” comes… The kids all line up and head downstairs where they find that their matching stockings (Yes – all the same as the ones we had as a child growing up) have been filled with candy and extra little fun miscellaneous gifts.

Oh wait there is more… As this whole morning is going on there is a smell of “Christmas” throughout the air. Every Christmas morning that I can ever remember we have the same breakfast. It is a German tradition that my grandma always made for us… Gritwurst. IT is kind of like a flat spiced sausage patty ???? I don’t know how to explain it other than it is the BEST! After stockings we all run up to the kitchen and literally stand in line for Gritwurst. It is Noelle’s own self proclaimed tradition, which somehow she started when she was so little, and we for some reason follow, that she gets to be first in line every year.

Finally before the festivities are our over we take time to dress each of the grandchildren up and act out the Nativity story. My dad would always read the nativity story from a book ( the role now passed dow to my brother ) as each child would do their part in being the best, shepherd, angel, mary, joseph or baby Jesus each year. Then we would end in once again singing Away in the Manger together.

Every year it is the same and every year I go away feeling so blessed and loving the time together. By now most of you are wondering what the problem is… sounds like the ideal Christmas. Truly this is my struggle. I think so myself. But this is the dissonace that comes into play ( actually I don’t even know if that is the right word for what I am dealing with.)

You see… I BELIEVE 100% that Christmas is a Celebration of Christs Birth. The most amazing sacrificial gift ever given to anyone. YET… I am not sure my actions reflect those beliefs all the time. I sometimes wish we could celebrate the Birth of Christ and Christmas on two different days. A quote I recently read regarding the true meaning of Christmas was …

“Ha...how many Christians do you know that actually celebrate Christmas because of Jesus? I think the majority of Christians celebrate Christmas by getting each other presents and eating, not by celebrating Lord and Savior. Christmas has become a holiday devoted to family, not Jesus. It's marketed very heavily in retail. That's why everyone celebrates it.”

Now looking back on the events of our Christmas I just wrote about how much exactly is Celebrating Jesus’ Birth vs. celebrating family, and gifts and just being together. Think about all the “Christmas Parties” we go to each year. How many of those parties do you really talk about The Lord, His birth and the sacrifices he made for us. Are the party’s really about Him at all?

Now I know a lot of the rationale that come along with these thoughts.. I go over them all the time in my mind… I would anyone to share any thoughts you might have that would help me with this this holiday season…

All this said and you got to know I in no way want to be known as THE SCROOGE! I love to have fun and rejoice. I don’t think Christmas should be a time of sitting still in a somber manner. NO it is a time of celebration and excitement… excitement for HIM and all that he has done. Mike is the one who said to me.. “ I want everyone to have fun at my birthday party!” in which I agree. I do believe that God rejoices in our happiness.

Again, maybe this is hitting me harder this year because of seeing all the need throughout the world and then realizing our abundance. Maybe it is having our 2 new children here that have never experienced Christmas and the overwhelming task it is at times to explain everything we do and why especially our Christmas Traditions… like the tree, lights on all the homes, gifts to each other ect. Am I teaching them about the most sacrificial gift ever given? Am I teaching them to learn sacrifice themselves? OR Am I teaching them that Christmas is all about FAMILY FUN FOOD AND GETTING GIFTS? … CAN IT BE BOTH.

There are so many other blogs and/or videos that do this topic so much more justice then me… please take the time to visit some of these…

I love this blog....

Livesay [Haiti] Weblog: O Holy Night

OR

Nothing left to give today... Looking forward to tomorrow!!!!

This quote went through my mind so much today....

"When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would

have not a single bit of talent left and could say...I Used Everything You Gave Me!"

Kept thinking... "I've officially done it ! I've used them all up, God."

Not sure there is much left to give... at least for today. Hopefully God will be filling my tank for tomorrow.. otherwise not sure what will happen!!! ;-)

Think I just need to claim this verse and go to bed...

Lamentations 3:22-24

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Sacrifices... Huge Rewards!!!

A dear friend of mine has pointed out the obvious to me a few times... "You could of had an empty house here soon..." (speaking of when all the kids go back to school) OR "When all of us will be sending our last ones off to college you will still be just in the midst of things. " Helllooooo - I think I have thought of that before... just a few times! This whole thing is going to take some sacrifices for sure; even little daily ones like a quiet, peaceful, CLEAN house, a relaxing sunday afternoon with nothing to do, time sitting and visiting with friends, reading a book, even time alone with my husband.

When evening comes around lately I admit I have found myself feeling exhausted, a little irritable, out of control and a bit overwhelmed lately. I have questioned if I am up for the task at hand, doubting my own abilities sometime, yet thanking GOD I am not alone in this adventure also.

Adoption is not easy! I realize the sacrifices we are making. YET, ONE THING I HAVE NEVER ONCE QUESTIONED IS... IF THESE SACRIFICES ARE WORTH IT! It still is a no brainer to me. No matter how much I want to cry from exhaustion or because my laundry is piled high or I can not find my kitchen counter tops at the moment, no matter how much I would love to have some "me time", or even relax and dig into God's word as much as I use to... When I look into those big brown eyes of these two precious lives that God loves so very much and hand picked for our family, when I think of where they came from and all that they have gone through, there really is no sacrifice that I am giving up that even comes close to all that we are able to give them and how much of a blessing they are to us.

I really try not to "PUSH" adoption on anyone. I know this is such a special calling God has given us, but I wonder how many people have ignored the tugging of God's calling with the excuses of all the scarifies or hard work it would take. Oh, could I list all the excuses NOT to do this. It may not particularly be about adoption either but to truly live a life that goes beyond ones own desires and self; to not just see the needs of others throughout our lives or in this world but to step up and really do something about it. It is a scary thing to totally be open to what God's complete will would be for your life, to live a life completely SOLD OUT to Him.. no doubt there will be sacrifices, no doubt it may not look just the way YOU planned your life to look like.. but there is also no doubt the rewards in the END will far out weigh anything this world could ever offer.

3wks HOME - Attachment & Bonding Update

I have thought of starting this note so many times and there are so many reasons why this one is so difficult. First of all ...TIME - basically there is none! ... at least extra time to sit down and really try and articulate all that has happened. Second reason is because I think I am afraid if I share the reality of the situation, I fear that someone may just focus on the stressors and I will not be able to properly articulate the amazing blessings that far overshadow any stressors along the way. But, I so badly want to try and document, remember and share this amazing time.

The kids really are amazing. Just looking at them can melt my heart... well most of the time. I don't think you have to be particularly an adoptive parent to understand the adjustment that is going on right now having 2 preschoolers around the house again. I was pretty prepared for these adjustments that were going to have to take place but it really does not make it that much easier. Time for myself is out the door and some days I am barely staying a float. The Lord continues to teach me SELFLESSNESS, PERSEVERANCE, AND to fight off any type of LAZINESS, and for this I am thankful! Remember the days that having a second to go to the bathroom alone and in peace was a treat!

I am so thankful for the older kids in the house and am trying to balance taking advantage of their love and ability to watch the kids and wanting to make the most of this transitional BONDING period. So far the BONDING and ATTACHMENT has really been going well as far as I know or feel. Before we left for Ethiopia we sent out a letter regarding some of the issues of attachment and bonding and what our friends and family may be able to expect or how they can help with this issue. We mentioned things like for the first weeks/months we may be pretty secluded, and when we did venture out we requested that friends and family not pick up, hold or meet any of the children's needs if they do seek them for such things but rather redirect them to us.

While we were in Ethiopia and shortly after our return we went through a period of time that we, or at least I, felt like the bonding was going so well that I questioned all the need for the rules. They did seek us for all their needs and would return to us if they got hurt or wanted anything. The love and affection that we shared with each other was so apparent. The problem was they shared that with most anyone they came into contact with. Even though these people were our closest friends and relatives there still was something that we questioned about it. We spoke with one social worker, sharing our concerns, but also explaining how we felt like this was so cultural for them. Ethiopian people are so loving and affectionate to each other we wondered if this was just normal. The one social worker thought we had nothing to be concerned about unless they started rejecting us or seeking others over us to meet any of their needs. But something still did not feel completely "right".

Last friday we spent the entire morning with the children at the University of MN Specialty Adoption Clinic. We had already brought them to our general pediatrician who we adore but we are also so thankful that we made the extra effort to go the this clinic as well. It was so amazing watching how they interacted with the kids. It was obvious they knew what they were doing. I am telling you, my kids are hard to resist! Just imagine the cutest little boy not only batting his long eyelashes at you but then puckering those big adorable pouty lips and offering you kisses if not on your check he will kiss her hand. While I know it was not easy, they did so well resisting his little love poisons. They did not pick him up, and even redirected him to me. "Your mama's right there. There's your mama." I seriously was so impressed and learned so much. What was even more amazing was how it seemed to put them at ease a bit.

Later last weekend we adventured out to a larger social outing. We were not sure if we were going to be able to do this and were prepared to leave as soon as things seemed tense. It was not a small event either. Since graduating from College this particular group of girlfriends have gotten together once a month, with husbands joining us for a party at christmas and the entire families together once a summer for a pool party. Not everyone was able to be there but still no small gathering. Before going we emailed everyone asking that they completely ignore the kids. Again, really this is no easy task but I was so impressed on how well everyone did. We held the kids initially and visited with people not paying any attention to them. This is where them not speaking English did come in handy for we could talk as much as we wanted about them without them knowing. I again was so amazed at how at ease they seemed to be compared to times when less people would visit, obviously to see them and talk to them. My understanding is when children are institutionalized they get attention and positive feedback by being cute, friendly, flirty with the caregivers. They were use to doing this to just about anyone they would come in contact with. Dr. Howard had asked for me to try and identify the number of transitions they had gone through in their lives. SEVEN was what I came up with (including us). Each of these transitions and places they had different caregivers who they had to be cute or loving too in order to get what they wanted and obviously never really bonding with any of them. I noticed that when people would come over to the house it seemed like Zoeyahna would feel like she had to perform for them and would get a bit hyperactive. I now think that this was all anxiety related. It again was amazing to me to see what ease the kids were at when everyone, except us of course, seemed to just ignore them at the party and not put them on the spot. We even were able to let them go for a bit and play in the pool with our older children while we visited with our friends poolside.

(The offspring of all of our college friends...12 couples=39 children,

though they weren't quite all there)

How long do we keep this up? I am not sure! I have heard 6 months is ideal which seems like quite awhile to me. But think about it... If I just had a baby I would at least take a 3 month leave of absence not wanting to leave that baby's side for that period of time. I nursed most of my birth-children so much longer than that even. These precious children at least deserve that and even more to formulate the bonding and attachment we both have missed out on with each other!!!! Hopefully the entire 6 months I will not be longing for my quiet little private moment in the bathroom but I will try and treasure this time of bonding.

My mother retells the story of when she had just had my youngest sister and she was standing there at the top of the driveway holding her as she sent my brother (the next youngest child) off to kindergarten. She recalls thinking "What was I thinking? I almost could of been free!" And now, summer is coming to an end and the kids are getting ready to go back to school. I do think of all the other things I could be preparing to do with my time but nothing could ever have as much value or purpose than loving and caring for these two precious children of GOD's. I continue to be so thankful for the opportunity to be used by God in such a way.

Oh boy.. this post got long.. and I feel I have not even begun to touch on all that has happened in the last 3 weeks. Hopefully I will find time again soon to write more!!!!

Attachment, Adjustments and BLESSINGS!!!!

I know there is still so much to share about the trip itself and adventually I will somehow find the time to write about all that we experienced and saw. It continues to weigh so heavy on our hearts and we are anxious to share it with all who will hear. But for now I am doing all I can to stay a float during this transitonal season we are in. We have only been home for 10 days now and I really cannot believe how well it has gone. I keep holding out for some major hurdle to come up but so far nothing shy of a miracle. It is the only way that we can explain it. The attachment that is going on between all of us is amazing. WITH THAT SAID, even though the attachment is going so well this does not mean that the adjustments are all extremely easy also. Just the fact of having two little ones around the house again is an adjustment in itself. I admit I am tired and feeling the household duties falling wayward (yes, more than normal even.)

Zoeyahna and Ezekiel (Zoey and Zeke) are such happy kids. They bring so much joy to all of us. Sure they have their moments and little outbursts here and there, but who wouldn’t. It is funny because I find myself questioning everything. So many things I could so easily blow off as typical kid-things – I think each of the older ones have behaved or done the same things but now I study and question everything wondering if it may be a sign of problems to come.

I think I have read so many things about what problems to expect from children who have come from hard places that I forgot about the similarities that kids have no matter what part of the world they come from. The other night I was putting the kids to bed. I went through the “normal” routine we are trying to have, but as soon as I tucked them in and took a deep breath, one has to go “shint” – (no – I do not have a foul mouth, nor did I mis-spell that - it is their word for bathroom), then again we are tucked in and another wants “Whaa”- (a drink of water…) I did finally catch on and say “all done” when they tried saying they were hungry. I started wondering if one of my other kids had snuck in and taught them all the tricks of the trade… Seriously who taught them these things?

Zeke is actually a complete charmer and ham. If this kids giggle does not bring a smile to your face I have no idea what would. Culturally, I believe Ethiopians are such loving and affectionate people. Greeting each other with kisses are normal and Zeke adheres to his culture. Who wouldn't want to kiss those lips????

Zoey is a little sponge. I can tell she is so smart. Sometimes I wonder if she really understand all that we are saying and just pretending to not speak English. Every once in awhile she will blurt out a new word, or start to count in English or saying some of the ABCs with out us even working on them. She definitely do not like a lot of attention directed to her and as a tendency to get a bit hyper at times.

When we were driving in the car the kids heard the song Our God...(?) on the radio which usually anyone in the car will joyfully sing a long with. I really think they probably only heard it once or so but the next time it was on, they actually tried to sing along with it. Now Zeke always asks for "OUR GOD." (or something that sounds like that) whenever we get in the car.

Right now language is a major barrier though this too I am surprised how well we all communicate with each other with out actually speaking the same language. Though there has been plenty of times that I have really wanted to teach or explain something more in depth and just can not right now. I know it will all come in time, but they are little sponges right now, soaking up everything and it is frustrating when we cannot take complete advantage of that.

I love how excited the family is to have them around but I do admit I am looking forward to the day that the excitement fades just a little bit and we can sink in to a norm. The little arguments between the girls as to who gets to sit by them, who gets to carry them or hold their hand is minor but definitely adds to the tension throughout the day. Then the fact that the little ones really prefer the older girls more then sweet Emma is just a wee bit heartbreaking. Emma is probably having the hardest adjustment. She is handling it so well and I am so proud of her but she is definitely the one that it is affecting the most. We are pretty intentional right now as to making sure Emma (and all the kids for that matter) still gets some individual time and attention.

I really do not want to come across, as this is an easy journey. But the blessings that continue to come our way throughout all of this are immeasurable right now. Our Lord is so good and we are so very blessed!