I have thought of starting this note so many times and there are so many reasons why this one is so difficult. First of all ...TIME - basically there is none! ... at least extra time to sit down and really try and articulate all that has happened. Second reason is because I think I am afraid if I share the reality of the situation, I fear that someone may just focus on the stressors and I will not be able to properly articulate the amazing blessings that far overshadow any stressors along the way. But, I so badly want to try and document, remember and share this amazing time.
The kids really are amazing. Just looking at them can melt my heart... well most of the time. I don't think you have to be particularly an adoptive parent to understand the adjustment that is going on right now having 2 preschoolers around the house again. I was pretty prepared for these adjustments that were going to have to take place but it really does not make it that much easier. Time for myself is out the door and some days I am barely staying a float. The Lord continues to teach me SELFLESSNESS, PERSEVERANCE, AND to fight off any type of LAZINESS, and for this I am thankful! Remember the days that having a second to go to the bathroom alone and in peace was a treat!
I am so thankful for the older kids in the house and am trying to balance taking advantage of their love and ability to watch the kids and wanting to make the most of this transitional BONDING period. So far the BONDING and ATTACHMENT has really been going well as far as I know or feel. Before we left for Ethiopia we sent out a letter regarding some of the issues of attachment and bonding and what our friends and family may be able to expect or how they can help with this issue. We mentioned things like for the first weeks/months we may be pretty secluded, and when we did venture out we requested that friends and family not pick up, hold or meet any of the children's needs if they do seek them for such things but rather redirect them to us.
While we were in Ethiopia and shortly after our return we went through a period of time that we, or at least I, felt like the bonding was going so well that I questioned all the need for the rules. They did seek us for all their needs and would return to us if they got hurt or wanted anything. The love and affection that we shared with each other was so apparent. The problem was they shared that with most anyone they came into contact with. Even though these people were our closest friends and relatives there still was something that we questioned about it. We spoke with one social worker, sharing our concerns, but also explaining how we felt like this was so cultural for them. Ethiopian people are so loving and affectionate to each other we wondered if this was just normal. The one social worker thought we had nothing to be concerned about unless they started rejecting us or seeking others over us to meet any of their needs. But something still did not feel completely "right".
Last friday we spent the entire morning with the children at the University of MN Specialty Adoption Clinic. We had already brought them to our general pediatrician who we adore but we are also so thankful that we made the extra effort to go the this clinic as well. It was so amazing watching how they interacted with the kids. It was obvious they knew what they were doing. I am telling you, my kids are hard to resist! Just imagine the cutest little boy not only batting his long eyelashes at you but then puckering those big adorable pouty lips and offering you kisses if not on your check he will kiss her hand. While I know it was not easy, they did so well resisting his little love poisons. They did not pick him up, and even redirected him to me. "Your mama's right there. There's your mama." I seriously was so impressed and learned so much. What was even more amazing was how it seemed to put them at ease a bit.
Later last weekend we adventured out to a larger social outing. We were not sure if we were going to be able to do this and were prepared to leave as soon as things seemed tense. It was not a small event either. Since graduating from College this particular group of girlfriends have gotten together once a month, with husbands joining us for a party at christmas and the entire families together once a summer for a pool party. Not everyone was able to be there but still no small gathering. Before going we emailed everyone asking that they completely ignore the kids. Again, really this is no easy task but I was so impressed on how well everyone did. We held the kids initially and visited with people not paying any attention to them. This is where them not speaking English did come in handy for we could talk as much as we wanted about them without them knowing. I again was so amazed at how at ease they seemed to be compared to times when less people would visit, obviously to see them and talk to them. My understanding is when children are institutionalized they get attention and positive feedback by being cute, friendly, flirty with the caregivers. They were use to doing this to just about anyone they would come in contact with. Dr. Howard had asked for me to try and identify the number of transitions they had gone through in their lives. SEVEN was what I came up with (including us). Each of these transitions and places they had different caregivers who they had to be cute or loving too in order to get what they wanted and obviously never really bonding with any of them. I noticed that when people would come over to the house it seemed like Zoeyahna would feel like she had to perform for them and would get a bit hyperactive. I now think that this was all anxiety related. It again was amazing to me to see what ease the kids were at when everyone, except us of course, seemed to just ignore them at the party and not put them on the spot. We even were able to let them go for a bit and play in the pool with our older children while we visited with our friends poolside.
(The offspring of all of our college friends...12 couples=39 children,
though they weren't quite all there)
How long do we keep this up? I am not sure! I have heard 6 months is ideal which seems like quite awhile to me. But think about it... If I just had a baby I would at least take a 3 month leave of absence not wanting to leave that baby's side for that period of time. I nursed most of my birth-children so much longer than that even. These precious children at least deserve that and even more to formulate the bonding and attachment we both have missed out on with each other!!!! Hopefully the entire 6 months I will not be longing for my quiet little private moment in the bathroom but I will try and treasure this time of bonding.
My mother retells the story of when she had just had my youngest sister and she was standing there at the top of the driveway holding her as she sent my brother (the next youngest child) off to kindergarten. She recalls thinking "What was I thinking? I almost could of been free!" And now, summer is coming to an end and the kids are getting ready to go back to school. I do think of all the other things I could be preparing to do with my time but nothing could ever have as much value or purpose than loving and caring for these two precious children of GOD's. I continue to be so thankful for the opportunity to be used by God in such a way.
Oh boy.. this post got long.. and I feel I have not even begun to touch on all that has happened in the last 3 weeks. Hopefully I will find time again soon to write more!!!!
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