Dissonance... or NOT??? CHRISTMAS '10

Definition of DISSONANCE 1a : lack of agreement; especially : inconsistency between the beliefs one holds or between one's actions and one's beliefs — compare cognitive dissonance

I know I have not written for a while. Not sure how many people will still read this. To be honest as much as I want to share with others what is on my heart this is a place mostly for me to process my thought and feelings. This one is probably going to be one of the more personal and vulnerable blogs I have shared.

Obviously life has been so busy around here. I have not had the time nor energy to write or think most days. Things are going quite well and we are very blessed. Hopefully I will find time soon to share more about all of that. For now though, this is much more important I feel. What? More important than “caring for the fatherless”? YES!!! I do believe it is.

This time of year I find myself in such a dissonance.. more thanever ! Sometimes I wish I could just shut my feelings off, stop being such a deep thinker, analyzing things so much. I wish I could just lollygag thru life in oblivious blissfulness but my mind and heart won’t let me go there. Maybe this year more than ever because of all we have been through the last few months. Maybe it is because my eyes have seen and heart has been more open to the world beyond us. Do I want to live in “depraved indifference”? YES .. kind of .. a little.. to be honest! But then again…“Once our eyes are opened, we can’t pretend we don’t know. God who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know and holds us responsible to act.” Proverbs 24:12

Here is what I am talking about and where the DISSONANCE comes into play.

I have always LOVED CHRISTMAS! I love this time of year! My sister and I were just talking about what an incredible childhood we had. Seriously, I still believe we had/have one of the best celebrations around as a family. We start out, as soon as we enter the house (my childhood home now where my brother and his family live) we all go to our rooms where the red plaid pjs are laid out for us. The entire time we are together as a family we are wearing these matching pajamas. A tradition started years ago when I was young. We even have a few extra for any visitors that may join us.

There is always so much to eat but everyone really loves just being together more than anything. As the evening comes we gather in the living room and gifts are exchanged. Here is where my father always went overboard (ohhhh in an incredible way! ) He loved to give. Have to admit getting those big surprises and gifts were always so fun. After a bit, someone would say “how about we start to sing Christmas carols” followed by a wink to all in-tuned. Hilgenbergs are not known for their musical talents but for some reason it makes it all the more fun. Eventually it would come.. the sounds of the bells are heard and the air tenses with excitement as we hear the HO HO HO and Santa makes the special visit first to our house before starting the rest of his travels. Santa calls each of the kids by name and gives them one gift each as they sit on his lap for the photo shoot. He sings one carol with us, gives a strict warning to the little ones to go to bed right when the parents tell them to and off they go. Now this next part may sound so absurd but I think it is one of the favorites of all. When Santa leaves all the kids rush to the windows. Dad was the initiator when he was with us but the older grandkids seem to fill his footsteps quit well. They watch so intently for it to happen .. they wait .. wait… and then one of the older ones start out.. “THERE IT IS!!! THERE HE GOES!!! I SEE IT” It is a pandemonium uproar of either “I see it .. I see it.” Or tears of “Where ? I didn’t see it again?” As they look for Rudolf’s nose as Santa flys away.

The rest of the evening is spent tucking all the kids in to there slumber party sleeping arrangements and putting a Christmas movie of some sort on for them as the adults stay up late eating, talking and hopefully getting some type of board game in.

Christmas morning it does not slow down. As the kids gather on the step for our morning picture…

One child is chosen (usually the oldest) to come down announce “Christmas 2010.” For all the video cameras running and the rest of the kids follow running to their designated family areas where they find their Christmas surprises. Just when things calm down and the kids have opened their presents and shared with each of the cousins what they got the announcement for “STOCKINGS” comes… The kids all line up and head downstairs where they find that their matching stockings (Yes – all the same as the ones we had as a child growing up) have been filled with candy and extra little fun miscellaneous gifts.

Oh wait there is more… As this whole morning is going on there is a smell of “Christmas” throughout the air. Every Christmas morning that I can ever remember we have the same breakfast. It is a German tradition that my grandma always made for us… Gritwurst. IT is kind of like a flat spiced sausage patty ???? I don’t know how to explain it other than it is the BEST! After stockings we all run up to the kitchen and literally stand in line for Gritwurst. It is Noelle’s own self proclaimed tradition, which somehow she started when she was so little, and we for some reason follow, that she gets to be first in line every year.

Finally before the festivities are our over we take time to dress each of the grandchildren up and act out the Nativity story. My dad would always read the nativity story from a book ( the role now passed dow to my brother ) as each child would do their part in being the best, shepherd, angel, mary, joseph or baby Jesus each year. Then we would end in once again singing Away in the Manger together.

Every year it is the same and every year I go away feeling so blessed and loving the time together. By now most of you are wondering what the problem is… sounds like the ideal Christmas. Truly this is my struggle. I think so myself. But this is the dissonace that comes into play ( actually I don’t even know if that is the right word for what I am dealing with.)

You see… I BELIEVE 100% that Christmas is a Celebration of Christs Birth. The most amazing sacrificial gift ever given to anyone. YET… I am not sure my actions reflect those beliefs all the time. I sometimes wish we could celebrate the Birth of Christ and Christmas on two different days. A quote I recently read regarding the true meaning of Christmas was …

“Ha...how many Christians do you know that actually celebrate Christmas because of Jesus? I think the majority of Christians celebrate Christmas by getting each other presents and eating, not by celebrating Lord and Savior. Christmas has become a holiday devoted to family, not Jesus. It's marketed very heavily in retail. That's why everyone celebrates it.”

Now looking back on the events of our Christmas I just wrote about how much exactly is Celebrating Jesus’ Birth vs. celebrating family, and gifts and just being together. Think about all the “Christmas Parties” we go to each year. How many of those parties do you really talk about The Lord, His birth and the sacrifices he made for us. Are the party’s really about Him at all?

Now I know a lot of the rationale that come along with these thoughts.. I go over them all the time in my mind… I would anyone to share any thoughts you might have that would help me with this this holiday season…

All this said and you got to know I in no way want to be known as THE SCROOGE! I love to have fun and rejoice. I don’t think Christmas should be a time of sitting still in a somber manner. NO it is a time of celebration and excitement… excitement for HIM and all that he has done. Mike is the one who said to me.. “ I want everyone to have fun at my birthday party!” in which I agree. I do believe that God rejoices in our happiness.

Again, maybe this is hitting me harder this year because of seeing all the need throughout the world and then realizing our abundance. Maybe it is having our 2 new children here that have never experienced Christmas and the overwhelming task it is at times to explain everything we do and why especially our Christmas Traditions… like the tree, lights on all the homes, gifts to each other ect. Am I teaching them about the most sacrificial gift ever given? Am I teaching them to learn sacrifice themselves? OR Am I teaching them that Christmas is all about FAMILY FUN FOOD AND GETTING GIFTS? … CAN IT BE BOTH.

There are so many other blogs and/or videos that do this topic so much more justice then me… please take the time to visit some of these…

I love this blog....

Livesay [Haiti] Weblog: O Holy Night

OR

Nothing left to give today... Looking forward to tomorrow!!!!

This quote went through my mind so much today....

"When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would

have not a single bit of talent left and could say...I Used Everything You Gave Me!"

Kept thinking... "I've officially done it ! I've used them all up, God."

Not sure there is much left to give... at least for today. Hopefully God will be filling my tank for tomorrow.. otherwise not sure what will happen!!! ;-)

Think I just need to claim this verse and go to bed...

Lamentations 3:22-24

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Sacrifices... Huge Rewards!!!

A dear friend of mine has pointed out the obvious to me a few times... "You could of had an empty house here soon..." (speaking of when all the kids go back to school) OR "When all of us will be sending our last ones off to college you will still be just in the midst of things. " Helllooooo - I think I have thought of that before... just a few times! This whole thing is going to take some sacrifices for sure; even little daily ones like a quiet, peaceful, CLEAN house, a relaxing sunday afternoon with nothing to do, time sitting and visiting with friends, reading a book, even time alone with my husband.

When evening comes around lately I admit I have found myself feeling exhausted, a little irritable, out of control and a bit overwhelmed lately. I have questioned if I am up for the task at hand, doubting my own abilities sometime, yet thanking GOD I am not alone in this adventure also.

Adoption is not easy! I realize the sacrifices we are making. YET, ONE THING I HAVE NEVER ONCE QUESTIONED IS... IF THESE SACRIFICES ARE WORTH IT! It still is a no brainer to me. No matter how much I want to cry from exhaustion or because my laundry is piled high or I can not find my kitchen counter tops at the moment, no matter how much I would love to have some "me time", or even relax and dig into God's word as much as I use to... When I look into those big brown eyes of these two precious lives that God loves so very much and hand picked for our family, when I think of where they came from and all that they have gone through, there really is no sacrifice that I am giving up that even comes close to all that we are able to give them and how much of a blessing they are to us.

I really try not to "PUSH" adoption on anyone. I know this is such a special calling God has given us, but I wonder how many people have ignored the tugging of God's calling with the excuses of all the scarifies or hard work it would take. Oh, could I list all the excuses NOT to do this. It may not particularly be about adoption either but to truly live a life that goes beyond ones own desires and self; to not just see the needs of others throughout our lives or in this world but to step up and really do something about it. It is a scary thing to totally be open to what God's complete will would be for your life, to live a life completely SOLD OUT to Him.. no doubt there will be sacrifices, no doubt it may not look just the way YOU planned your life to look like.. but there is also no doubt the rewards in the END will far out weigh anything this world could ever offer.

3wks HOME - Attachment & Bonding Update

I have thought of starting this note so many times and there are so many reasons why this one is so difficult. First of all ...TIME - basically there is none! ... at least extra time to sit down and really try and articulate all that has happened. Second reason is because I think I am afraid if I share the reality of the situation, I fear that someone may just focus on the stressors and I will not be able to properly articulate the amazing blessings that far overshadow any stressors along the way. But, I so badly want to try and document, remember and share this amazing time.

The kids really are amazing. Just looking at them can melt my heart... well most of the time. I don't think you have to be particularly an adoptive parent to understand the adjustment that is going on right now having 2 preschoolers around the house again. I was pretty prepared for these adjustments that were going to have to take place but it really does not make it that much easier. Time for myself is out the door and some days I am barely staying a float. The Lord continues to teach me SELFLESSNESS, PERSEVERANCE, AND to fight off any type of LAZINESS, and for this I am thankful! Remember the days that having a second to go to the bathroom alone and in peace was a treat!

I am so thankful for the older kids in the house and am trying to balance taking advantage of their love and ability to watch the kids and wanting to make the most of this transitional BONDING period. So far the BONDING and ATTACHMENT has really been going well as far as I know or feel. Before we left for Ethiopia we sent out a letter regarding some of the issues of attachment and bonding and what our friends and family may be able to expect or how they can help with this issue. We mentioned things like for the first weeks/months we may be pretty secluded, and when we did venture out we requested that friends and family not pick up, hold or meet any of the children's needs if they do seek them for such things but rather redirect them to us.

While we were in Ethiopia and shortly after our return we went through a period of time that we, or at least I, felt like the bonding was going so well that I questioned all the need for the rules. They did seek us for all their needs and would return to us if they got hurt or wanted anything. The love and affection that we shared with each other was so apparent. The problem was they shared that with most anyone they came into contact with. Even though these people were our closest friends and relatives there still was something that we questioned about it. We spoke with one social worker, sharing our concerns, but also explaining how we felt like this was so cultural for them. Ethiopian people are so loving and affectionate to each other we wondered if this was just normal. The one social worker thought we had nothing to be concerned about unless they started rejecting us or seeking others over us to meet any of their needs. But something still did not feel completely "right".

Last friday we spent the entire morning with the children at the University of MN Specialty Adoption Clinic. We had already brought them to our general pediatrician who we adore but we are also so thankful that we made the extra effort to go the this clinic as well. It was so amazing watching how they interacted with the kids. It was obvious they knew what they were doing. I am telling you, my kids are hard to resist! Just imagine the cutest little boy not only batting his long eyelashes at you but then puckering those big adorable pouty lips and offering you kisses if not on your check he will kiss her hand. While I know it was not easy, they did so well resisting his little love poisons. They did not pick him up, and even redirected him to me. "Your mama's right there. There's your mama." I seriously was so impressed and learned so much. What was even more amazing was how it seemed to put them at ease a bit.

Later last weekend we adventured out to a larger social outing. We were not sure if we were going to be able to do this and were prepared to leave as soon as things seemed tense. It was not a small event either. Since graduating from College this particular group of girlfriends have gotten together once a month, with husbands joining us for a party at christmas and the entire families together once a summer for a pool party. Not everyone was able to be there but still no small gathering. Before going we emailed everyone asking that they completely ignore the kids. Again, really this is no easy task but I was so impressed on how well everyone did. We held the kids initially and visited with people not paying any attention to them. This is where them not speaking English did come in handy for we could talk as much as we wanted about them without them knowing. I again was so amazed at how at ease they seemed to be compared to times when less people would visit, obviously to see them and talk to them. My understanding is when children are institutionalized they get attention and positive feedback by being cute, friendly, flirty with the caregivers. They were use to doing this to just about anyone they would come in contact with. Dr. Howard had asked for me to try and identify the number of transitions they had gone through in their lives. SEVEN was what I came up with (including us). Each of these transitions and places they had different caregivers who they had to be cute or loving too in order to get what they wanted and obviously never really bonding with any of them. I noticed that when people would come over to the house it seemed like Zoeyahna would feel like she had to perform for them and would get a bit hyperactive. I now think that this was all anxiety related. It again was amazing to me to see what ease the kids were at when everyone, except us of course, seemed to just ignore them at the party and not put them on the spot. We even were able to let them go for a bit and play in the pool with our older children while we visited with our friends poolside.

(The offspring of all of our college friends...12 couples=39 children,

though they weren't quite all there)

How long do we keep this up? I am not sure! I have heard 6 months is ideal which seems like quite awhile to me. But think about it... If I just had a baby I would at least take a 3 month leave of absence not wanting to leave that baby's side for that period of time. I nursed most of my birth-children so much longer than that even. These precious children at least deserve that and even more to formulate the bonding and attachment we both have missed out on with each other!!!! Hopefully the entire 6 months I will not be longing for my quiet little private moment in the bathroom but I will try and treasure this time of bonding.

My mother retells the story of when she had just had my youngest sister and she was standing there at the top of the driveway holding her as she sent my brother (the next youngest child) off to kindergarten. She recalls thinking "What was I thinking? I almost could of been free!" And now, summer is coming to an end and the kids are getting ready to go back to school. I do think of all the other things I could be preparing to do with my time but nothing could ever have as much value or purpose than loving and caring for these two precious children of GOD's. I continue to be so thankful for the opportunity to be used by God in such a way.

Oh boy.. this post got long.. and I feel I have not even begun to touch on all that has happened in the last 3 weeks. Hopefully I will find time again soon to write more!!!!

Attachment, Adjustments and BLESSINGS!!!!

I know there is still so much to share about the trip itself and adventually I will somehow find the time to write about all that we experienced and saw. It continues to weigh so heavy on our hearts and we are anxious to share it with all who will hear. But for now I am doing all I can to stay a float during this transitonal season we are in. We have only been home for 10 days now and I really cannot believe how well it has gone. I keep holding out for some major hurdle to come up but so far nothing shy of a miracle. It is the only way that we can explain it. The attachment that is going on between all of us is amazing. WITH THAT SAID, even though the attachment is going so well this does not mean that the adjustments are all extremely easy also. Just the fact of having two little ones around the house again is an adjustment in itself. I admit I am tired and feeling the household duties falling wayward (yes, more than normal even.)

Zoeyahna and Ezekiel (Zoey and Zeke) are such happy kids. They bring so much joy to all of us. Sure they have their moments and little outbursts here and there, but who wouldn’t. It is funny because I find myself questioning everything. So many things I could so easily blow off as typical kid-things – I think each of the older ones have behaved or done the same things but now I study and question everything wondering if it may be a sign of problems to come.

I think I have read so many things about what problems to expect from children who have come from hard places that I forgot about the similarities that kids have no matter what part of the world they come from. The other night I was putting the kids to bed. I went through the “normal” routine we are trying to have, but as soon as I tucked them in and took a deep breath, one has to go “shint” – (no – I do not have a foul mouth, nor did I mis-spell that - it is their word for bathroom), then again we are tucked in and another wants “Whaa”- (a drink of water…) I did finally catch on and say “all done” when they tried saying they were hungry. I started wondering if one of my other kids had snuck in and taught them all the tricks of the trade… Seriously who taught them these things?

Zeke is actually a complete charmer and ham. If this kids giggle does not bring a smile to your face I have no idea what would. Culturally, I believe Ethiopians are such loving and affectionate people. Greeting each other with kisses are normal and Zeke adheres to his culture. Who wouldn't want to kiss those lips????

Zoey is a little sponge. I can tell she is so smart. Sometimes I wonder if she really understand all that we are saying and just pretending to not speak English. Every once in awhile she will blurt out a new word, or start to count in English or saying some of the ABCs with out us even working on them. She definitely do not like a lot of attention directed to her and as a tendency to get a bit hyper at times.

When we were driving in the car the kids heard the song Our God...(?) on the radio which usually anyone in the car will joyfully sing a long with. I really think they probably only heard it once or so but the next time it was on, they actually tried to sing along with it. Now Zeke always asks for "OUR GOD." (or something that sounds like that) whenever we get in the car.

Right now language is a major barrier though this too I am surprised how well we all communicate with each other with out actually speaking the same language. Though there has been plenty of times that I have really wanted to teach or explain something more in depth and just can not right now. I know it will all come in time, but they are little sponges right now, soaking up everything and it is frustrating when we cannot take complete advantage of that.

I love how excited the family is to have them around but I do admit I am looking forward to the day that the excitement fades just a little bit and we can sink in to a norm. The little arguments between the girls as to who gets to sit by them, who gets to carry them or hold their hand is minor but definitely adds to the tension throughout the day. Then the fact that the little ones really prefer the older girls more then sweet Emma is just a wee bit heartbreaking. Emma is probably having the hardest adjustment. She is handling it so well and I am so proud of her but she is definitely the one that it is affecting the most. We are pretty intentional right now as to making sure Emma (and all the kids for that matter) still gets some individual time and attention.

I really do not want to come across, as this is an easy journey. But the blessings that continue to come our way throughout all of this are immeasurable right now. Our Lord is so good and we are so very blessed!

HOME!!!

There is so much more to share about the trip, all that we saw there, the incredible needs and ministry opportunities to be apart of but for now I need to skip forward because…

OUR FAMILY IS TOGETHER!!!!

We are home and it feels so good!!! Any anxiety of the much talked about dreaded flight home was unwarranted. The children did great. Again it was so nice to have Bereket and Daniel, our friends from the orphanage who spoke the Walayta language, to be able to interpret for us as we explained to them exactly what to expect.

The arrival at the Minneapolis airport was incredible.

To have our family waiting for us with signs, balloons and all the love possible to welcome us home was something I will never forget. We had practiced with the kids identifying each of the other older children and their names over and over on the trip so when they finally saw them in person I really think it all clicked for them.

Mike and I have prayed so much for an extra-ordinary type of bonding between all members of our family. The 6 of us have always been so close and it is something that we prayed would continue with our 2 new members. I heard and read of so many attachment difficulties so we were prepared for this too. While I know we are only at the beginning of this journey I have to say that we really could not of asked for a better beginning. We feel so blessed.

THE LORD IS GOOD!!! OH SO GOOD!!!! TO HIM BE ALL THE GLORY!!!

7/30/10

7/30/10 Friday - Meeting the children

The sun is coming up, the dogs barking, the roosters are crowing and the chanting has begun. Mike and I are sitting here right now trying to wrap our minds around the fact that we are going to meet our 2 new children in just a few hours. We really do not know how old they actually are, how big they will be, what will they actually look like. We have studied the pictures over and over again, even the video that I took at our first brief encounter but still we just do not know what to expect. How will they react to us? What will we feel when we see them? OH LORD, Please Calm our anxious hearts !!!!!

We have them! They are with us and to quote Mike, “Could this of gone any better!” They are beautiful and extremely affectionate children. We start walking from the gate to the house, they see us and come running. All four of them, our 2 children and the other 2 twin girls they have been with and grown so close to at the orphanage. I am almost worried that they are too affectionate and the bonding is going too well for just the first day. Although, they have seen pictures of us and have been told all about us for sometime, you read about attachment disorders where the children will go and are affectionate with just about anyone never making that proper real attachment to their adoptive parents. I really am not sure if that is the case or not.

From the care center in Addis we right away drove to Soddo. We were so concerned for the children regarding the ride down there for we heard they were not use to driving in cars and would often get car sick. We had grabbed two vomit bags from the plane just for this very reason. However, they were not the ones we needed to be concerned about. Both Mike and I, pretty much the entire trip had to be looking forward out the open window, trying not to make any movement of our heads, with the good ole’ vomit bags in hand to be used at any second. Not sure it is due to the extreme rain they have had this season but all the roads especially the ones trying to get out of Addis (which took a good hour itself) were under extreme construction or needed to be. The huge bumps, that I was sure we were going to get stuck in any second, and the constant swirving, stopping and going, combined with the constant smell of exhaust could make anyone who was not use to this lose their breakfast.

7/29/10

7/29/10 Thursday Arrive in Ethiopia 10 p,m.

The flight - was completely uneventful but you forget how horribly long it is. We left Mpls. a little late.. Probably around6pm and flew to Amsterdam where we had a about an hour and a half layover.

The Amsterdam airport - was ginormous. Talk about having fun people watching. It was incredible for me to see so many different people from different cultures all together. I could not help and think again about God’s love for all of us. It also struck me how important I think it is that every Christian experiences some type of international Missions trip at some point in their lives if possible. I know you do not have to necessarily even travel to far from home to go beyond your own culture and bubble we live in. But international travel, especially to a third world country really opens your eyes to just how big and diverse our world is. It is so easy to narrow our views and perspective of life to all the things that REVOLVE AROUND US… but instead we are just a portion of something so much bigger that REVOLVES AROUND THE CREATOR OF IT ALL!!!!!

From Amsterdam we stopped for an hour in Kartoon, Sudan to refuel, not leaving the airplane and then onto Ethiopia. As we were standing in the Immigration Line in the Airport I was flooded with emotions; So many things going through my mind. It really hit home. We are really here. This is really happening. Some of the gush of emotions was remembering the experiences of the last trip here. Most of which I want to block out but yet amazed to be able to look back and now see What God’s Big Plan was that I was unaware of at the time and in the midst of all the turmoil. So glad Mike is with me right now and we were experiencing this together. I could not imagine traveling here again with out him.

The GUESTHOUSE- is very nice. We were greeted at the airport by 2 BFAS staff, loaded our stuff in a van and drove just a few miles to the guest house. The electricity was off right when we arrived so they had candels lite and a table set for us to have dinner. We did the all the paperwork necessary for the Embassy appointment right away including giving them our Embassy fees, then sat and had a bite to eat just the 2 of us and headed to bed. I was not sure if I would be able to sleep but I slept solidly for a good 4 – 4.5 hours, waking at about 4:30am.